Anxiety

I can’t pinpoint when my anxiety started but I can tell you when I realized something was not right. It was a day in early August when my husband and his employees moved their offices out of our house.

Now you would think that I would be thrilled about that. I mean, we had dreamed of having our house and privacy back for so long. But when I was faced with that reality, something fragile, a tiny thread that was my last connection to logic and rationale, snapped.

The day of the move, we loaded boxes into his pickup. As he backed out of the garage, I felt irrationally frightened. It was as if I was watching the one person who could save me, had been saving me, abandon me. I felt crushed.

When the external garage door closed, my smile faded and my waving hand fell to my side. My face crumpled. My breath caught in my throat and I felt the tears prick and burn my eyes. I took a huge gulp of air and started sobbing. In an effort to find comfort and to try to run away from the problem, I, in the style of my childhood, raced into our bedroom shutting the door on the fly. I threw myself on to our bed, curled up in the fetal position and cried. I was thinking that I should be happy but I clearly was not.

A few months prior to this, I was confronted with a situation that undid months and months of my emotional progress. My husband and I were having an alcohol fueled (tsk, tsk! I know better!) heated discussion about it and I remember saying, “This is too hard. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?! Oh my God! I wish I was dead.”

I want to be crystal clear, dear readers, I was not thinking of suicide as I do not believe in it for spiritual reasons. I also knew I needed to be here and stay healthy for my little girl. The truth is, I just didn’t want to be here anymore, on Earth. If I, say, happened to be in an auto accident, I wouldn’t fight to stay here. The thing is, at that moment, I was in such intense, deep emotional pain and I couldn’t see my way out of it. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Looking back, my outburst was a verbal cry for help. I’m still not sure exactly who the cry was meant to be heard by; me or him. But, in the blink of an eye, the external and internal conversations moved on. Sadly, even that admission wasn’t enough for me to understand how far I had fallen from my true self.

I told one of my besties about my admission and she, professionally trained to look for these signs, questioned me intently about it. I told her what I believed and that was I would NEVER commit suicide. I didn’t believe in it as I knew that I would have to relive every craptastic thing I had gone through in this lifetime again. No. No thank you. Not for all the high-end coffee in Costa Rica. What I didn’t know is that over the next few months my chemical imbalance and emotional health would continue to deteriorate until I barely recognized my emotional self.

1403676644_0988b697a9_m40 million adults in the United States have anxiety[i]. One-third get help. That leaves two-thirds, TWO-THIRDS, that don’t.

What I also ignored or attributed to something else was the physical symptoms. My hands would uncontrollably shake, my mouth would be dry, my heart would race. I even went to the doctor thinking I had high blood pressure. My insomnia worsened, I cried alot and I had the most illogical, neurotic thoughts. I found myself being overly impatient and quick to anger, especially with our daughter. I chalked this up to just being stressed or needing a night or two off from being a momma.

One night in late August my husband came home late, very late. It’s nothing new, in fact, it’s quite normal and it shouldn’t have affected me like it did, but that night I was a train wreck. I was neurotic and imagined all sorts of heinous activities on his part. I was convinced he was doing something nefarious or was dead. I called his phone and had my irrational suspicions confirmed when he didn’t answer. I sent a text to him saying that I was frightened. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. A few minutes later he walked through the door.

I raced into his arms, viscerally sobbing in relief. I hugged him like he was my breath. I shook uncontrollably and babbled incoherently through a deluge of tears. He hugged me and said, “Honey. Honey! What is going on? This is not like you. Honey. What is going on?!”  I pulled back and relief-sobbed that I had been imagining all sorts of horrible things happening to him and because of him.  I told him I was so frightened. He continued to hug me and said this wasn’t like me.

I clung to him in our bed that night like I was his second skin. I needed to talk with him about what I was feeling but when…when?  The next morning, after only a few hours (or minutes) of sleep, I completely lost my shit in the shower. I felt completely overwhelmed and paralyzed.  My best friend, the one I confided in whole-heartedly, my forever husband, was someone I was now struggling to speak with.

I exited the shower, robotically dried myself off and burst into tears again. I was miserable. I wrapped the towel loosely around myself and walked, zombie-like, into our bedroom. My husband, just clearing the sleep from his eyes, took one look at me and said, “Oh my God. Honey! What’s wrong!?”

My tears broke free and I sobbed while saying, “I don’t know. I think I’m broken. I need help. Something’s wrong with me. I thought I was doing ok, but after last night and this morning, I know I’m not. I’m having horrible thoughts and my neuroticism is not fair to you. I think I’m suffering from PTSD or anxiety. I need help. I’m going to call my midwife about anxiety medicine and try to find a counselor today. I’m a fucking mess.”

Then I cleared the tears from my eyes, wiped the snot from face with the back of my arm and locked my swollen, blood shot, tired eyes on his. The energy surrounding us became palpable. I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t think I would ever hurt myself but I’m NOT myself right now. I’m just….broken. Can you either hide the guns or the ammunition immediately, please?” He didn’t question me, he just did as I requested.

I scheduled an appointment with my midwife and found a counselor that morning. My midwife started me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. The counselor saw me that week.

I’m a good mix of believing in Eastern and Western medicine. I believe they both have their places in my life. What I was doing with Eastern medicine wasn’t helping so I immediately sought out Western medicine. I also believe that pills are just a band aide and that I have to address the problem, hence the trained counselor.  I previously wrote a blog called “Crazy” that spoke of how powerful the mind was and how it can control your body. My physical anxiety symptoms proved that, yet again, to me.

The medication and counseling have had a vastly positive effect on me. I feel “normal” again,  like the old chemically balanced me. All thoughts of not wanting to be here have vanished. Everything isn’t oppressive and I’ve even caught myself genuinely belly laughing. The first time that happened I thought, “What was THAT?! How long has it been since I’ve laughed this way?”

Like a broken record, I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  Not only did I recognize something had changed in my brain, but I asked for and received help. Have you?


[i] https://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

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Trailblazing

My husband has been trying to grow his business but has felt stuck in a particular area. I was visiting with my friend Marilyn who mentioned an innovative program she was beta testing for businesses. She wondered if Trinity would be interested.  He was.

She schlepped over, pulled out a binder and a sweet little silver pendulum. She opened her binder, started her pendulum and well, we were off to the races.  First, she checked the ‘energy’ around Trinity’s business and reported it was off the charts, in a very good way.

Then she asked the Universe what was the reason Trinity wasn’t receiving qualified applicants. Immediately the pendulum swung to the “Relationship Team” portion of the graph.  Armed with that, she flipped to another page which indicated Trinity’s business was relatively unknown in the community. Plain and simple, people just didn’t know about his business.   Yes, that makes complete sense and resonated with both Trinity and me.

Then Marilyn asked another question; what it was is irrelevant, but you’ll love the response. He was to “ask his Guides and Angels for help.”  I was astounded by this and my jaw dropped. My poor husband; with narrowed eyes, I turned to him and gave him the, “You’ve GOT to be kidding me” look. He raised his palms defensively to the ceiling, scrunched his shoulders and said, “I ask for Their help, but not for this specific thing.”  Ohhhh chil’.

After that, her pendulum ticked and tocked and much more information came to light. For instance, my husband would do well to take lunch breaks, work less hours and get out of his head.  He might benefit from scheduling family time, paperwork time, “me” time and the mac-daddy of them VACATION time. (Cough; told you so, honey.)

Towards the end of his session, Marilyn once again checked the ‘energy’ around Trinity’s business and said it had grown even higher. How is that possible? It could be that Marilyn had uncovered the deeply buried truths and Trinity was already using his powerful mind to make positive mental changes.

So what am I talking about? It’s Tara Argall’s and Marilyn McMurray’s “Trailblazing Communications” modules. They were, to the best of my knowledge, originally designed to give a voice to those (animals/humans) that are unable to verbally communicate. Tara and Marilyn decided to expand these modules to include businesses, etc.

I have to say, I was really impressed and I see a lot of value in what these two ladies are doing.  Marilyn’s delivery style is compassionate, authentic and caring. She is also an amazing Intuitive who use her own personal and professional knowledge to offer possible solutions or ideas.

If you’re a chief cook or bottle washer who wants insight as to how to help your team or business, this program may be the answer.  If your personal life is messy and you’d like some direct insight, there’s something here for you, too.

Trailblazing Communications isn’t just for those who can’t/won’t communicate verbally; it’s for those of us who can’t/won’t listen.

–       If you’d like more information, you can find both of my above mentioned friends on Facebook, etc.

SQUIRREL!

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“Oh, dear GOD, I am a lunatic!” I wasn’t belittling or abasing myself. No, this was more of an acknowledgement. Dear God, I am a LUNATIC.

I caught myself saying this while doing what so many kazillion of us do; multi-tasking. Although for me, ‘multi’ doesn’t cut it anymore. I came up with a new phrase (feel free to copy it!); MEGA-tasking.

Sometime after having a baby, I morphed into Dr. Bruce Banner’s version of a bad gamma radiation accident; I became a (dum dee dum dum DUM) MEGA-tasker. Unfortunately, I’m so busy starting and stopping these tasks that I’m not sure what I’m actually getting done.

Here’s a typical 10 minutes in my morning: Oooh coffee, yes please (turn on the previously prepared coffee pot and open the fridge to get the dark chocolate almond milk.) Hey, who put the salsa on that shelf? Trinity! Better move that or I won’t be able to concentrate. Oh, we’re almost of out of eggs, I need to write that on the grocery list (shut the fridge door leaving the almond milk in it).

(Open drawer behind the fridge, rifling through the millions of pens/pencils) Geez, why can’t I find ‘my’ pen when I want it? Where is it? Well damn it, did Trinity take it? Should I text him? That’s a bit extreme, Melissa. Just use another pen and make a mental note to ask the pen stealer later. You’ve wasted enough time looking for this one.

(As I’m grabbing a pencil, I look at the spot where our daughter eats) Ewww, gross. I forgot to wipe up the counter after dolly’s breakfast. Well, better get that done (put the pencil on the counter and turn towards the kitchen sink) but first I’ll put these dirty dishes in the dishwasher and WHAT is that smell? Egads! Is that ME?! No, it has to be Ceta. “Ceta, honey. Did you go potty?” “No poop momma.”  ‘No poop momma’ my ass. I NEED to stop what I’m doing and change her diapers (I leave the dishwasher door wide open).

Three steps outside the kitchen, with child in arms, I see a puzzle in the middle of the hallway and know I need to put it away or I’ll be doing mach 2, step on it and pull a groiny. As I squat to put it away, I notice the recycling bin is overflowing. I put the child down, leave the puzzle and take the recycling outside.   

On my way back into the house I stop to turn off the bathroom light and I see I didn’t put away the puzzle. I start towards it but then I glance into Ceta’s room where I see her clean laundry. I zip into her room, put away her clothes, pick up the multitude of blankets on the floor, refill her diapers and then remember to grab some clothes hangers.

As I’m leaving her room, I see the chaos that remains; the puzzle, the open dishwasher, the crumbs, yogurt and pencil on the counter. I realize I haven’t had my coffee and I haven’t changed my daughter’s diapers. I’ve also completely forgotten to write ‘eggs’ on the grocery list and chances are I won’t remember to do that. Instead, I’ll look at the pencil like it’s an alien and then blame Trinity for not putting it away.

Ok. Where was I? Oh yes, I have to corral my daughter again. Just follow the smell, Melissa. Stay on task. Don’t stop to pick up the socks or move the ‘beep beep’ toy out of the way. I may pay for that decision later when I’m not looking where I’m going, but for now, I leave it.

That, my friends, is literally about 10 minutes in my life. On a good day.

I’ve always been an efficient worker but lately it seems as if I get bright-shiny-objected (BSO) way too much.  I always think it won’t take me long to pick up this or put away that but inevitably, it leads to something else that I feel needs my immediate attention NOW.

I’m also realizing that if I have five or ten minutes to myself, I don’t do something FOR myself. Nope. I opt to do menial chores or prep items for the following day. I’ve tried to sit for 3 minutes without pulling a Jack-In-The-Box and it doesn’t work. I think the longest I was able to sit still was about 90 seconds.  Curses! It’s like an addiction!   I try to see how long I CAN sit still, especially while I’m helping my daughter eat, but inevitably, I can’t sit still. Something needs my immediate attention (or so my brain thinks).

One of the very last things I want my daughter to inherit is my OCD. I don’t want her to think she has to fly around the house like a madwoman picking up this and putting away that. I want her to know that it’s perfectly fine to rest and do NOTHING. I want her to know the dust bunny by her feet will still be there when she’s done with her down time. I’m trying. I really, really am but this is a tough nut (pun intended!) to crack. 

(What do you do to stop BSO’ing? I’d love to know and I’m sure other readers would be interested, too. Please post what works for you in the comment section.)

Lost

When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I became very lost. I had gone to a neighborhood not far from my own but one that was foreign to me. I went walking with a friend and we got into an argument and she stormed off. I was to mad to follow her. Puhhh. I didn’t need her. I could find my own way home. So I ended up wandered around hilly streets until I became tired, hungry and frightened. 

I had walked by a house, at least once, that had a beautiful weeping willow in the front yard. I remembered that house, in particular, because we had a weeping willow in our backyard. On my second (or third) pass, I decided I couldn’t keep wandering around so I sat beneath the branches of the beautiful tree in hopes someone would find ME.  Why I ultimately chose that house or that tree wasn’t consciously known to me. But as you all know, I preach there are no coincidences.

As I sat with my chin resting on my knees and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, I cried and wished for my mom. The house’s garage door opened and a car pulled in. A tall, middle aged woman got out and slowly walked toward me. She had kind eyes and instead of standing to her full height, she bent down as she approached.  When she reached me, she knelt next to my little, tightly curled up body and said, “Honey. Are you lost?” She was so caring and so maternal and I felt so relieved that someone had found me that I started bawling even harder. All I could do was nod my head. 

She asked if I wanted to call my mom or dad. Did I know my mommy or daddy’s number?  Yes. I did. She brought me inside and made me hot cocoa while she (or I?) called my mom.  She had an easy, flowing way of helping me become calm. She chatted with me (not to me, there is a difference) as if I was an old friend who had stopped in for a visit.  

I don’t remember much more of the experience except getting into the back seat of my dad’s car and wondering if he was going to yell at me for getting lost, for going into a stranger’s home or for interrupting his work day.  He did not yell and he did not berate. What he did was asked if I was OK. For my rather unemotional dad, this meant the world to me and it helped me feel safe.

As we topped a hill, I caught my bearings and knew where we were. I felt silly because I was so close to home and yet didn’t know it. But that experience began a lifelong fear of becoming lost.

As a young adult and well into my adulthood, I would suffer from anxiety when I needed to be somewhere I’d never been before.  This was well before the days of GPS or even MapQuest.  This was when you actually had to go to a brick and mortar library if you wanted information on a particular subject. The internet hadn’t been created and cell phones were still a glint in someone’s eye.

Keep in mind I traveled for a living when I worked in banking. I traveled all over the vast, great state of North Dakota and each time I faced a new address, I would get my mini-freak out on.  I would arrive at my destinations ridiculously early so I didn’t arrive late. My thoughts were this: if I became lost I would have time to figure it out before I was late. Being late was (and is!) incredibly distasteful to me.

When I was in counseling, we worked on this powerful memory. Some 13 years later, I’m still working on it. With the invention of GPS, etc., I feel more in control but I am still glued to the little computer voice that tells me when to turn and that my address will be on the right.  I still plan my route before I leave the house and I make sure I have some wiggle room in the time area.  I often joke that I am ‘directionally challenged’ and more often than not, I hear others say, “Me too!” 

I’d like to put the finishing touch on the story I began earlier. Not long after my lost  incident happened, my Brownie den leader quit and I was reassigned to another troop.  As fate would have it, the woman who found me, the woman who owned the house with the beautiful weeping willow, was my new den leader. Yep. Seriously. 

Putting this story on paper has helped me recognize that there has never been a time when becoming lost (physically, emotionally or spiritually) didn’t turn into finding my way. The countless fearful scenarios I’ve created in my mind over the years have never come to life, not once.

With or without consciously knowing it, we all come equipped with a roadside (uhhh, heaven side?) assistance plan. It doesn’t matter if we feel we are on the wrong spiritual, physical or emotional path. There is always guidance available to you, whether it is a physical person, an Ascended Being or an intuitive feeling.

Remember: If you feel lost, maybe you’re just one hill from being home, too.

Empathic

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“I’m a what? An Empath? What’s that?” That’s the response I often receive when I tell my clients they are empathic. My standard response is that you feel other people’s emotions; you just ‘know’ a person/animal’s emotional state.

According to a definition search on Google, an Empath is, “(chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.”  (Insert a derisive snort, eye roll and for good measure, let’s throw in a chuffaw)  Chiefly in science fiction’ my lily white bum.

The word “Empath” comes from the word “Empathy,” which Google tells me is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”  This form of the word “empathic” must be more acceptable as there isn’t a ‘chiefly in science fiction’ disclaimer attached to it.

How do you know if you’re Empathic? Well, according to The Healers Journal, there are 30 signs to look for. Here are five of them:

1.    Knowing

2.    Overwhelmed in public places

3.    Taking on the emotions or physical ailments of others

4.    Intolerance to watching (or reading about) violence or cruelty

5.    Excellent listener

As long as I can remember, I have had issues dealing with large crowds. I’m talking weddings, funerals, graduations, award ceremonies, even watching little squirts play hockey.  Anywhere there is strong emotion, I’m bound to tear up even if I don’t have a vested interested in what’s going on.

Years ago, YEARS ago, I was one of several students giving Reiki to my (now) bestie and (then) mentor, Susie, during a Reiki Gathering. Susie is an imposing figure (she’s over 6 feet tall) and she is, in my opinion, responsible for forging the path of Reiki/intuitive work in Fargo. I tell you this because, for me, all of that – her stature, her intuitive gifts and her knowledge – was very intimidating to a newly practicing intuitive such as myself.

I was working over her heart area when I was overcome with sadness. Before I could even register what was happening, I opened my maw and said (sighed, really), “Oh Susieeeeeeeeeeee.” She, who had been trying to hide her feelings and the drama that was going on in her personal life, looked up at me, clutched one of my hands and burst out crying.  She felt ‘seen’ and that, she later said, was reassuring and comforting. Because of my empathic skills and the cojones to not let intimidation stop me, a deep and trusting friendship began.

One of the biggest issues of being an Empath is dealing with the ‘energy vampires.’ You know what I’m talking about; the leeches who suck the (energetic) life right out of you. The constant and eternal Debbie Downers who thrive on drama and negativity. These people are infinitely unhappy in their own lives and like a moth to a flame (the flame being you, my empathic friends), flutter about you until they either burn or you manage to shoo them away.

Back when I didn’t know how to protect myself from these psychic attacks, I constantly felt drained and I found myself trying to avoid certain people. As I spiritually learned and grew, I embraced a couple simple protection techniques that saved my proverbial bacon. They are as follows:

1.    The Bubble of Protection: Imagine yourself inside a “Glenda the Good Witch” bubble and nothing but the energy for your highest good can penetrate it.

2.    Purifying White Light: Imagine yourself bathed in a beam of pure white light. It cleanses you and keeps out all that is not for your highest good.

3.    Mirrors: Imagine yourself behind a large, unblemished mirror.  All that is not for your highest good will be repelled.

Those are three of my favorites. I’ve even created a meditation about them. I used these techniques a lot before I built up energetic ‘calluses’ which naturally protect me (somewhat) from those that seek to syphon my energy.

As I find myself on our way to my father-in-laws funeral, my mind turns toward this subject. He is a man whom I’ve never met and yet several times this week I have been moved to tears. I must be picking up on the energy of those he has left behind; the wife who stood by his side for over 25 years, the hired hand who worked tirelessly for him for over 30 years and, I suppose, for the granddaughter who will never know her grandpa. I think his death is also triggering emotions from my own dad’s death.

I know I’ll be bawling at the funeral and it has nothing to do with my personal feelings. I’ll be picking up on the emotions of loss, sadness and grief.  But I’m good with crying. Totally.  I also know I’ll be seeking some quiet time (another empathic need) to help me unwind from all of these emotions.

Being an Empath is a gift and it helps me see what my clients try to hide. It allows me to be a far more effective Healer and a more compassionate person.  Clearly, this empathic stuff isn’t just for Deanna Troi of Star Trek: The Next Generation (yes! I’m a TREKY!).

Private Intuitive Reiki/Readings for BESTIES!

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Well, this is me trying to be in the ‘new.’  I was having issues finding a place to host bigger events so….  

I want to THANK Shanny for saying the right thing at the right time. And thanks to ME (uh hum!) for being in a place to listen AND for being able to bring this to life. 

I’ve also had requests to do private (small group) meditations. I ABSOLUTELY can and will do these as well!   I have more details under My Services or Guided/Channeled Meditations on my website. 


Private Intuitive Reiki/Readings for BESTIES!

Are you looking for something empowering and inspiring to do with your besties? Maybe get to know them on an entirely new (spiritual) level? Or maybe you’re intimated by a one-on-one Intuitive Reiki session but would feel comfortable testing the waters among your trusted friends? Whatever the case, whatever the reason, these sessions are designed to give your group a taste of what Reiki is all about and enlighten you on your spiritual journey.

Let me tell you how this works. You’ll get a brief overview on the history, benefits and uses of Usui Reiki, what I can/can’t do with my intuitive gifts and how the Guardian Angels deliver their messages.

Then it’s approximately 10 to 12 minutes (depending on the number of attendees) of Reiki and channeled messages in front of your pals! What gets better than that? I’m saying! Bonding on a whole new level.

Up to 4 friends – 60 minute session – $90
5 to 6 friends – 90 minute session – $130

(All of these prices/times are for sessions located at Inner Focus Reiki. For home or business events, please contact me for pricing.)

Sound good?  GOOD!!

 


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I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like big changes. I like changing my hair color and nail polish and even mixing up my gym classes, but big changes? Nope.  The type of changes I’m talking about are the ones that involve letting go of something that feels as comfortable as a fuzzy blanket on a cold day. I’m talking about something that is or has been a large part of you for any given length of time.

To me, big changes are scary. It feels like an upheaval or even a burden. It’s the unknown that gets me, you know? I know what I have now, and it works, but I don’t know what a change will bring. This is a difficult concept for a recovering control-a-holic.

I had a client yesterday who, when the ‘out with the old, in with the new’ channeled message came through for her, said she didn’t like change all that much either. However, we both agreed that almost every time we’ve decided to embrace the big stuff, we’ve looked back and said, ‘what took me so long?!’ 

I’m a gal who didn’t get on the texting bandwagon until three years ago. All my friends had it, including my husband, but I didn’t want it. I was happy with my little un-smart cell phone. It did all I needed it to do; answer and send calls.  It took me YEARS to get a cell phone (remember, Michele and Charmaine?!), then when I did I glommed on to it like it was my first born.

My husband kept insisting I upgrade and I insisted he stuff it. Then came a point where I thought it would be kind of cool to have a camera on my phone. I upgraded to another un-smart phone and it was the cat’s meYOOwww (it doesn’t take much to please me, evidently). I also started texting but I had a lot of fear surrounding that. I didn’t want to be available 24/7/365. I didn’t want to be that plugged in or connected. Texting felt like an intrusion and it also felt really foreign (when has something new/different NOT felt foreign?!).

I stumbled through feelings of ineptness while using the old ‘hunt and peck’ typing method. But I learned and I learned quickly. I actually found myself (gasp!) LIKING texting.  Pishaw!  I had resisted it for SO long and now I can’t live without it.

That’s just one story. I could go on and on about how I like to resist change. Oy!

As of Monday, the Guys are saying the old way is out. If you try to do things the old way, you are going to be met with resistance (translation: a brick wall).  But, I LIKE the old way! It’s comfortable and it was working well for me up until this latest energy shift. Bawaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.

This shift has left me feeling overwhelmed and at times, debilitated. It’s been difficult for me to practice what I know.  When you’re feeling like you’re in an abyss, it’s really difficult to remember what you’re supposed to do to get back to the mountain top or even a North Dakota hill. Luckily, for me, Reiki is my saving grace. When I do my Work, I am able to get ‘clear’ and once again see things (and hear things) from a higher perspective.

My Monday clients helped with that as it was during both their sessions I heard you just can’t continue doing things the old way and expect them to work in the new energy.

But, I don’t know HOW to do things the new way, I only know the old. I haven’t learned or been educated in the new way. The dreaded familiar sense of feeling unsupported wafted over me like the smell of limburger cheese on a hot radiator.

So I said (whined), “I’m so frustrated and I feel completely unsupported. Why is everything (drama!) feeling so difficult? Are you telling me I should get out of Reiki?! Do you WANT me to continue doing my Work?! Give a girl some help here, brothahhhhhs!”

As soon as I was done with that highly unrealistic rant (there really are so many wonderful, supported things happening with my Work), I heard, “Use social media. Send out your requests to the masses. Let them help.”  Uh…. (head scratch)…..oooooooohhhh (blink).

Ok. I’ll step out of my comfort zone and try something new with my blog readers. I’d like to find a way for my blogs to reach more people. Are there any magazine/newspaper/on-line publication (etc.) personnel who can help me with this??

Well, that didn’t feel as needy as I thought it would. Huh. I have other requests as well, but I’m feeling to vulnerable to address them right now.

Hey! Epiphany alert! A thought just occurred to me on change. Every change is triggered by a need or desire for something different and in most cases, something better. Right? So once there is a want, energy is given to that need/desire by thinking about it. Then it’s brought into reality by physically taking action to make the change happen.  

Huh. Were you aware of that? It makes sense and it kind of eases the fear of big change for me. But only just a little.

Answers

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I jokingly tell clients if I had all the answers, I would charge a $1000 an hour and I would be living somewhere that isn’t below freezing for 6 months of the year. I’d also be super rich as I would have accurately predicted lotto numbers and helped scientists determine when California was going to fall into the ocean and discovered the cure for cancer…and… and….  

Often people think intuitives are all knowing. They think we have the answers to every single question they can ask. At least that’s what I thought when I was a client of intuitives/psychics.  But it’s not accurate. We all have limits.

When I was a client of Susie’s, I asked her about this. My thought was that as an intuitive she should know anything and everything but she said if we were given all the answers, we could not handle it. Our human brain literally could not grasp all the responses as we are not super computers. We are humans and as such we simply cannot wrap our minds around answers that we are not evolutionarily or genetically ready to hear/understand. It’s like trying to explain Sir Isaac Newton’s Theory of Gravity to a two year old. They will not understand the answer even though they may have asked why an apple fell from a tree.

I have friends, clients and in all honesty, myself, who have demanded answers or responses to questions about physical events from the Guys. Sometimes they answer and sometimes they don’t and the reason for that varies. It may be because the person, on some level, doesn’t want to hear the answer. Sometimes the question is too subjective (i.e. “Will I be OK?”). Sometimes they don’t respond because YOU don’t have the answer and still, other times, they don’t know the answer. They are not omnipotent; they are Guardian Angels concerned with your spiritual growth.

So if you’re seeking responses to questions of the physical and you don’t receive them, know that we aren’t meant or even capable of knowing everything. Well, at least not while we are in human form. When you cross back from where you came, you’ll have ALL your questions answered before you can form the question. True that.

‘Integration’ – A Word from the Guys

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With this latest (or any, for that matter) energy flare, matters that are no longer in harmony with your greatest good are falling away.  These issues cannot survive in the new, higher, lighter energy that is being ushered in. So what does that mean? Well, first of all, good for you (yes, really)! You have chosen to move forward spiritually and to grow.  Physically though, it could be marriages/relationships/friendships are ending. It might mean a verbal blow up over something that has been festering inside of you. It might be violent thunderstorms, political unrest and yes, it might even mean physical death.

I am not immune from any of this. Nope. I’m growing spiritually right along with the rest of you. In addition to what I may personally be going through, as an Empath and an Intuitive, I feel your pain as well. That brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “I feel your pain” doesn’t it?  Ha!

This morning, after hearing news that shocked and disturbed me, I asked the Guys if they had anything they wanted to say in order to help us. Instantly I heard the word “Integration. 

As defined by Webster’s Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary:

  • 1.    The act or process or an instance of integrating
  • 2.    Incorporating as equals into society or an organization of individuals of different groups
  • 3.    Coordination of mental processes into a normal effective personality or with the individual’s environment
  • 4.    The operation of finding a function whose differential is known
  • 5.    The operation of solving a differential equation

OK, that doesn’t really do it for me so let’s look up INTEGRATE:

  • 1.    To form, coordinate, or blend into a functioning or unified whole: UNITE
  • 2.    To find the integral of (as a function or equation)
  • 3.    To unite with something else
  • 4.    To incorporate into a larger unit
  • 5.    To end the segregation of and bring into common and equal membership in society or an organization
  • 6.    Desegregate: to become integrated

Ahhhh. I intuitively know the sentence in red was what we needed to know.

It feels like everything is disjointed right now. People are at their breaking points. Tempers are flaring, patience is snapping. We are definitely feeling un-unified even if it’s just within ourselves.

I often wonder if we could understand almost everyone is going through this right now, if that would help us feel united or at the very least, not alone. I wonder if that would make this emotional stuff a bit easier to deal with. Maybe, maybe not.

I think the direction we are moving is towards one of unity. Because that word has come up several times in my little head, let me look up the meaning. Ahhh. Here it is. There are more meanings but I think this is what the Guys are getting at:

  • 1.    The quality or state of not being multiple: ONENESS
  • 2.    A condition of harmony: ACCORD

It would make sense then, if we are to unite or bring about an internal oneness, we need to release lower, denser emotions, issues or even relationships that no longer resonate with us. These items simply cannot exist where we are spiritually going.

We do have a choice though, if you want to call it that. We can opt to stay just as we are and remain in the current denser energy, thereby becoming spiritually/emotionally stagnant.  I know of people who have done this and they are in a lot of pain. They are negative, pessimistic, angry, resentful and generally unhappy.

The good news is, at any point, AT ANY POINT, they can choose to let go of the old and lighten themselves up for the new. It’ll be hard work, but as I’ve said before, this spiritual advancement/enlightenment stuff is not for sissies. And trust me, as one who has been there and done that, getting rid of the old, lower denser issues/feelings/emotions is a walk in the park compared to living in a self-imposed hell.

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“Why did this happen?” or “Why isn’t this happening?!” When I’m asked these type of questions, they are always referring to things of a physical nature. When these types of questions are posed, I often don’t hear an answer from the Guys. Now, if I was asked, “What am I supposed to learn from this, spiritually?” or “Have I learned what I needed to learn?” You will most often get an answer.

You see, us humans are used to looking at things in a physical way. We don’t often use our spiritual eyes to see why something may or may not have happened.  The Guys aren’t typically concerned with the physical as their ‘job’ is to help you with your spiritual growth. Most of the time they are not interested in discussing why something did or didn’t happen on the physical plane because what happened on the spiritual realm trumps it. 

I try not to use my intuitive gifts unless I’m asked to do so, but sometimes these gifts are so much a part of me that it happens without me even knowing it. Sometimes they are so intrinsically woven into the fabric of who I am, I can’t tell what my thoughts are from those that are divinely inspired.

A case in point is this: I was talking with my oldest niece (and closest twin-in-a-past-life bestie). She’s dealing with the death of a two year relationship. She’s trying to heal from the heartache, the loss of a dream and the betrayal she uncovered.  While she is viewing things on the physical plane, I am able to give her a spiritual glimpse of why the physical outcome, although painful now, may have just safe guarded the life she desires.

She lives in a very small town and sees her ex beau and his (pregnant) fiancé often. I was thinking of how raw this would be for her until she heals. Then I had these thoughts:

1.    What if she was saved from a life of hurt, resentment and disgust because she refused to (this time) compromise her values and desires?

2.    What if, by holding tight to what she felt she needed in order for her to be truly happy, she ‘opted out’ of a relationship that would be filled with mistrust, unhappiness and control?

3.    What if, by doing this, she is telling the Universe that she’s a force to be reckoned with and she will not lower her standards. She will wait for The One who will inspire, fully commit and love/respect her as she has come to love/respect herself?

Interesting, huh? So now let’s look at what might have been if she had compromised her values.

1.    She may have married a man who would not have been faithful to her and could not give her what she needed.

2.    She may have found she didn’t feel loved, heard, appreciated or respected.

3.    She would have been largely responsible for taking care of his 4 rebellious children.

4.    She would have, once again, repeated the sins of her past and would have set herself up to learn a much harder lesson next time.

And as far as the new fiancé goes, maybe one of her needs in this lifetime is to deal with such issues so she can overcome and be done with them. I truly don’t know as I’m not doing this intuitively. I’m just saying for every person there are lessons to be learned in order to spiritually grow, heal and move forward.

Now that’s the stuff my Guys choose to talk about to those who will listen (not everyone does) and that’s the kind of spin or enlightenment I can bring to the table with their help. Quite different from the physical view and it feels energetically lighter, wouldn’t you agree?

There are so many things that are hidden from our physical view and I’m thankful for that. We humans can’t possibly understand why things happen or don’t happen. But, true fact, when we open our spiritual eyes and close our physical ones, a shift in perception occurs.