Believe

Before I left on sabbatical, a few clients had asked if I worked with couples. They felt my unique spiritual perspective could really benefit their marriages. I told them I hadn’t considered this, but I certainly would.

Throughout my leave, I kept thinking about this and realized my intuitive gifts, combined with straight-forward talk, could really help those who were wanting – or needing – something different. I kept the idea warm, returning to it every now and then, trusting that if it was meant to be it would be.

About three weeks ago a friend who is dealing with some marital issues reached out. I had this “thought” that I could help her and her husband and I should ask if she’d be open for me to do so, but I pushed it down because one of her besties is a powerful spiritual warrior and I didn’t want to step on her toes.

I appeased myself with the thought that I’d let it be and see what happened. You’d think I’d know better by now, wouldn’t ‘cha?  Within minutes, her husband’s voice filled my head.

Let Sarah do it, he said snidely and with bitterness. Then, in the manner of Jan Brady: Sarah, Sarah, SARAH!

Having a zero “poor me” tolerance, I softly said, “Oooooh Dave, noooo…You do it. You are an adult and you need to learn from your mistakes, just as we all do. Nobody can do it for you and life doesn’t come with a manual. Get used to it, dude.”

I’m not good enough, came his dejected reply.

“Sorry you think that, but how is that working for you? Good? No? Then change it!”

I’m scared.

“We all are, bucko. We all are.”

Will you help me?

“Welllll, I’m kinda in my own hell right now but I’ll never say no to a soul in need. Let’s start right away.”  My thought was I could spiritually work with him while I slept.

DEAL!  he said with enthusiasm and I was shown an image of him clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

“Dave,” I asked, “is it okay for me to share our talks with Sarah?”

NO!  Wait! Tell her a little. I want her to be proud of me.

That night I began working with him.  In what appeared to be a school room, he arrived looking like a seven-year-old version of his adult self. He was dressed in his best first-day-of-school clothes: a button-up short-sleeve shirt and blue dress pants. Completing his look was a fresh haircut. His blond hair had been gelled to create spikes. He carried a sharpened number two pencil and an unused, ruled notebook.

As he anxiously squirmed in his desk chair, he licked the tip of the pencil indicating he was ready to get down to business. He asked what our first lesson would be and without really knowing the answer, I said, “I want you to write ‘I believe in me.’”

His face fell and his shoulders slumped. That’s it?  he asked with incredulity. That’s what you want me to write?! 

Inwardly I smiled at his crestfallen look. “No,” I said. “I want you to believe it.”

With an open mouth, he stared at me as if I had just asked him to do something abhorrent.

And I had.

The next day, I told Sarah what had occurred and that I thought the Guys were urging me forward with Empowerment Counseling (a nice way of saying “couples therapy”) and that she was free to say no but would she and Dave consider coming to see me for a spiritual “counseling” session? Her response came within minutes; they were both on board.

Well, whaddya know?

A joint session was scheduled and that night, during another of Dave’s astral lessons, I asked him to use “I believe in me” in a sentence. Once again, his mouth fell open and he stared at me like I had sprouted horns and a spiked tail.

“This is where we must start, Dave,” I said. “The fact that you are genuinely struggling should be all the validation you need that this is important.”

His eyes rolled upward and then slammed shut. He pursed his lips and clenched his fist.  Like a petulant child, he moaned, Awwww maaaaan!   

“Dave, you’re ready or you wouldn’t have found me.”

The day of their session, I was filled with excitement. This felt right and even though I didn’t exactly know what this was going to look like, or how it would flow, I trusted it would be fine.  

Dave was understandably nervous, and I couldn’t blame him. After all, Sarah was very familiar with Reiki, intuitive work and even the Guys, but he wasn’t.  After a brief synopsis of what Reiki was, how my intuition worked and stating that I had asked for information which would serve both of them, I asked Dave to volunteer.

Being a good sport, he did. Once settled on the Reiki table, my validating intuitive gifts started to bubble forth. It felt so good to be back in the saddle again. After rambling off a series of knowing’s, Dave asked me how I was doing this.

“Have you talked to Sarah about this stuff?” he asked.

“Uh no.”

“Then how do you know this stuff?”

“’Cause I’m a Rockstar.”

As his time on the table was ending, Sarah left the room and I told Dave he had to believe in himself. I had earlier wondered if that information would bleed over into this session and it had. I also shared that he and I were working on spiritual lessons during the evening hours.

When Sarah returned, I was showing Dave the jade Reiki stone carrying a portion of the symbol that resembled what I had seen on his own spiritual heart. When I said the image’s name, the room grew quit.

“What did you say?” Sarah asked.  I repeated the name.

To Sarah, Dave said, “Isn’t that what Thomas (their son) says about the angel he sees? Showcoo? Isn’t that the name he uses?”

I glanced at Sarah and saw her eyes were wide. She nodded and I broke out in goosebumps.

Next, it was Sarah’s turn. With her, I used different terminology and was even more direct in what I saw and knew.  At one point, I heard Dave mumble that he was trying not to cry.

“You’re sensitive, Dave.” I said. “That’s a really good thing. This is a safe place to cry. Crying is the start of healing. Don’t hold back.”  But he did, at least externally.

Then, in a voice that was full of honesty and emotion, he said, “I love you, Sarah.”

“Dave!” I said. “Bless your heart! I love that you freely tell your wife that in front of someone you’ve just met. Most men wouldn’t do that; they would be too intimidated or embarrassed.” Then I started crying, partly because of something that was going on in my life but mainly because the energy surrounding his admission was breathtakingly beautiful.

As Sarah’s portion finished, she took her seat next to Dave and he reached for – and then held – her hand. He told her again he loved her, and that this session was the best and coolest thing he had ever done. Then he said something that caused my breath to catch, “Sarah used to be the securest person I knew and now she’s insecure because of me.”  

I was confused and alarmed by his statement. Having made it very clear during the session’s preamble that my “job” here wasn’t to place blame or point fingers, I quickly reviewed what I remembered from Sarah’s reading and couldn’t find anything that did so. I indicated, among other things, that her neck was pushed to one side, her spiritual heart was somewhat closed, her hips were out of alignment, and that the balls of her feet were swollen from being reactive.  Truly, nothing out of the normal.

Seeking to clear this up, I asked, “What did I say that caused you to feel like this, Dave?”

“She’s reactive from dealing with me.”

Knowing a response was not needed, I lowered my eyes.

He repeated, “I love you, Sarah.”

As they were leaving, I noticed a difference in Dave’s energy. My earlier telepathic communication with him was accurate; he was ready. Once in the parking lot, I saw him pull Sarah into his arms.  This caused tears to prick my eyes again but this time, instead of pain, I felt happiness knowing my Work was part of the reason for their embrace.

Jazzed and knowing this was all divinely inspired, I thought, Okay, I get it! I’m totally gonna offer this Empowerment Counseling thingy. This shit is my jam

(Even though permission was granted, aliases were used.)

Channeled Message 11.28.16

“Dear ones. Some of you are feeling oh so enlightened while others feel like they are floundering in the darkness. We have news for you; it is all a matter of perception. That is not to say one is better than the other for they both have their value. It IS to say it is all how you view it.

Some of you moan and tell us your life is falling down around your ears. Others exalt in being free from the Old even though their life is in shambles. Interesting how perceptions can be, wouldn’t you agree?

This One (Melissa’s Note: Oh oh. What am I doing now!!?) has had degrees of perception changes and it has nourished her soul. She has chosen to take a hard look at what isn’t working in her life (her soul) and is choosing (operative word) to do something about it.  That is not to say she is happy about it. Oh no, we can most assuredly tell you she has done her fair share of carping, but she is a warrior and pushes through none the less.  Are you doing the same or are you bemoaning your plight?

We will offer you this; it is always darkest before the storm. Ahhhhh. We see we have caught some of you off guard with our rendition of the old saying. But it is true; it IS always darkest before the storm. Now what “the storm” means is wholly up to you. It can be a super storm that douses everyone that comes within a 50 mile radius or it could be an easy-breezy spring storm that is over as quickly as it began.

There is “big energy” in the atmosphere now. It is pushing for change. We have harped at you before about change. Some of you grow bored with our perseverance but your soul’s evolution is what we are concerned with, not your tactile ego.

What are you doing differently? Are you parting your hair differently? Wearing different glasses? Taking a different route to work? Yes, even something so seemingly easy can make all the difference in the world. Change; it must happen. It needs to happen. It is destined to happen.

We ask that you take a look at what is no longer working in your life. Are you stubbornly holding on to a value, thought or emotion that no longer serves you? If so, ask yourself why. We hear you say, “Because it is comfortable” but how does the Old become uncomfortable and the New become comfortable? Practice. Practice, practice, practice.

If you are unwilling to try, we will still stand beside you but your journey will become rockier. If you are willing to try, even the most imperceptible amount, then your journey becomes easier. If you feel you are lagging behind others, then we will wait for you to catch up. We just need that first step to come from you.

You are not alone. We tell you this 100 million times and yet some of you still believe you ARE alone. We tell you never, not once, not ever. Look to your brother, your sister, your aunts, uncles, friends, enemies. No one is alone. We are all connected and we are all evolving. None of us is free from the trials and tribulations that are happening right now in an effort to let go of the past. You are ALL experiencing some upheaval whether it be mild, moderate or severe. The important thing is that you keep moving. Stagnancy is paralyzing. It uses fear against you when the opposite is true.

Get moving. Keep moving. We will walk the path with you, ALL of you. Start the movement and then keep going, even if only by minuscule amounts.  Just move. MOVE!”

Anxiety

I can’t pinpoint when my anxiety started but I can tell you when I realized something was not right. It was a day in early August when my husband and his employees moved their offices out of our house.

Now you would think that I would be thrilled about that. I mean, we had dreamed of having our house and privacy back for so long. But when I was faced with that reality, something fragile, a tiny thread that was my last connection to logic and rationale, snapped.

The day of the move, we loaded boxes into his pickup. As he backed out of the garage, I felt irrationally frightened. It was as if I was watching the one person who could save me, had been saving me, abandon me. I felt crushed.

When the external garage door closed, my smile faded and my waving hand fell to my side. My face crumpled. My breath caught in my throat and I felt the tears prick and burn my eyes. I took a huge gulp of air and started sobbing. In an effort to find comfort and to try to run away from the problem, I, in the style of my childhood, raced into our bedroom shutting the door on the fly. I threw myself on to our bed, curled up in the fetal position and cried. I was thinking that I should be happy but I clearly was not.

A few months prior to this, I was confronted with a situation that undid months and months of my emotional progress. My husband and I were having an alcohol fueled (tsk, tsk! I know better!) heated discussion about it and I remember saying, “This is too hard. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?! Oh my God! I wish I was dead.”

I want to be crystal clear, dear readers, I was not thinking of suicide as I do not believe in it for spiritual reasons. I also knew I needed to be here and stay healthy for my little girl. The truth is, I just didn’t want to be here anymore, on Earth. If I, say, happened to be in an auto accident, I wouldn’t fight to stay here. The thing is, at that moment, I was in such intense, deep emotional pain and I couldn’t see my way out of it. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Looking back, my outburst was a verbal cry for help. I’m still not sure exactly who the cry was meant to be heard by; me or him. But, in the blink of an eye, the external and internal conversations moved on. Sadly, even that admission wasn’t enough for me to understand how far I had fallen from my true self.

I told one of my besties about my admission and she, professionally trained to look for these signs, questioned me intently about it. I told her what I believed and that was I would NEVER commit suicide. I didn’t believe in it as I knew that I would have to relive every craptastic thing I had gone through in this lifetime again. No. No thank you. Not for all the high-end coffee in Costa Rica. What I didn’t know is that over the next few months my chemical imbalance and emotional health would continue to deteriorate until I barely recognized my emotional self.

1403676644_0988b697a9_m40 million adults in the United States have anxiety[i]. One-third get help. That leaves two-thirds, TWO-THIRDS, that don’t.

What I also ignored or attributed to something else was the physical symptoms. My hands would uncontrollably shake, my mouth would be dry, my heart would race. I even went to the doctor thinking I had high blood pressure. My insomnia worsened, I cried alot and I had the most illogical, neurotic thoughts. I found myself being overly impatient and quick to anger, especially with our daughter. I chalked this up to just being stressed or needing a night or two off from being a momma.

One night in late August my husband came home late, very late. It’s nothing new, in fact, it’s quite normal and it shouldn’t have affected me like it did, but that night I was a train wreck. I was neurotic and imagined all sorts of heinous activities on his part. I was convinced he was doing something nefarious or was dead. I called his phone and had my irrational suspicions confirmed when he didn’t answer. I sent a text to him saying that I was frightened. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. A few minutes later he walked through the door.

I raced into his arms, viscerally sobbing in relief. I hugged him like he was my breath. I shook uncontrollably and babbled incoherently through a deluge of tears. He hugged me and said, “Honey. Honey! What is going on? This is not like you. Honey. What is going on?!”  I pulled back and relief-sobbed that I had been imagining all sorts of horrible things happening to him and because of him.  I told him I was so frightened. He continued to hug me and said this wasn’t like me.

I clung to him in our bed that night like I was his second skin. I needed to talk with him about what I was feeling but when…when?  The next morning, after only a few hours (or minutes) of sleep, I completely lost my shit in the shower. I felt completely overwhelmed and paralyzed.  My best friend, the one I confided in whole-heartedly, my forever husband, was someone I was now struggling to speak with.

I exited the shower, robotically dried myself off and burst into tears again. I was miserable. I wrapped the towel loosely around myself and walked, zombie-like, into our bedroom. My husband, just clearing the sleep from his eyes, took one look at me and said, “Oh my God. Honey! What’s wrong!?”

My tears broke free and I sobbed while saying, “I don’t know. I think I’m broken. I need help. Something’s wrong with me. I thought I was doing ok, but after last night and this morning, I know I’m not. I’m having horrible thoughts and my neuroticism is not fair to you. I think I’m suffering from PTSD or anxiety. I need help. I’m going to call my midwife about anxiety medicine and try to find a counselor today. I’m a fucking mess.”

Then I cleared the tears from my eyes, wiped the snot from face with the back of my arm and locked my swollen, blood shot, tired eyes on his. The energy surrounding us became palpable. I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t think I would ever hurt myself but I’m NOT myself right now. I’m just….broken. Can you either hide the guns or the ammunition immediately, please?” He didn’t question me, he just did as I requested.

I scheduled an appointment with my midwife and found a counselor that morning. My midwife started me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. The counselor saw me that week.

I’m a good mix of believing in Eastern and Western medicine. I believe they both have their places in my life. What I was doing with Eastern medicine wasn’t helping so I immediately sought out Western medicine. I also believe that pills are just a band aide and that I have to address the problem, hence the trained counselor.  I previously wrote a blog called “Crazy” that spoke of how powerful the mind was and how it can control your body. My physical anxiety symptoms proved that, yet again, to me.

The medication and counseling have had a vastly positive effect on me. I feel “normal” again,  like the old chemically balanced me. All thoughts of not wanting to be here have vanished. Everything isn’t oppressive and I’ve even caught myself genuinely belly laughing. The first time that happened I thought, “What was THAT?! How long has it been since I’ve laughed this way?”

Like a broken record, I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  Not only did I recognize something had changed in my brain, but I asked for and received help. Have you?


[i] https://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

Between

It’s a place that’s not here and it’s not there. It’s a place of nothing and of everything. It’s a place people go when they are not dead but they are not alive. It’s a place I’ve been to only a few times.

This is something that is new to me as I’ve never been particularity comfortable with death. I feared it as a child. I always thought death was going to take my mom and there would be no one to care for me. I was so afraid of it, in fact, that I would often sneak into my mom and dad’s bedroom just to listen to her breathe. I sometimes slept on the floor next to her just to make sure I could keep death away. I won many battles but lost the war in 1999.

When my dad died, I had aged and matured not only physically but spiritually as well. My dad’s death was met with wonder instead of fear. I saw the angel who came for him. I saw my dad standing at the end of his hospital bed, even though he had just taken his last physical breath. My dad appeared before me months later to let me know he had “made it.”

So with my evolution into no longer fearing what I didn’t know, new gifts began to emerge. When I was still in my infancy stage (and I’m not sure I’m out of it), a friend of mine came to me. “Friend” doesn’t quite encapsulate what Eric is to me. He is the most upbeat, positive, quirky enigma I know. He’s difficult to define. He is scientific but has deep roots in spirituality. He was my first Reiki student to become a Reiki Master. His brain is wired to create and to seek out ways to make and do things better. By day he is a computer software geek. By night a cross between Doc. Emmett Brown and Einstein.  To say Eric carries a special place in my heart, in a lot of our hearts, is an understatement.

Eric’s body was rejecting his second liver. His body ate through his own years ago and he received a successful transplant. All was going well until his body started to cannibalize this new liver. Eric’s demeanor, even when his eyes and face were yellow with jaundice and his belly was severely distended, was upbeat and positive. He insisted on working right up to the point where he could no longer do so. Sometimes when I saw him, it made me realize my problems were just that; problems. This man was once again fighting for his life and happily doing so.

Prior to his second surgery, Erik and his wife asked something of me that made me somewhat uncomfortable. They asked that I give spiritual feedback of what I was seeing and hearing from Eric when he was no longer able to speak for himself. I said I would, I signed a legal document, but I was sure to state not to look to me if they were looking to pull the plug. I didn’t want that on my shoulders.

Eric’s condition deteriorated. He was admitted to the hospital while awaiting a new liver. He soon lost consciousness. His wife would email me and ask me very physical questions and I would let her know my gift didn’t work that way. I could tell her Eric was comfortable, not in any pain and that he loved her very much.

Hours passed and Eric slipped deeper into unconsciousness. So much so that when a new liver became available, the doctors thought of giving it to another individual as Eric’s vital signs were far from where they needed to be. His wife, not a believer in the spiritual realm but a supporter of her husband’s belief, emailed me. Again, she asked me physical questions and again I told her my gift didn’t work like that.  I then set out to tell her what I did see and this I will share with you now.

Eric was far away. Not here, not there. He was in a place much like outer space (I hadn’t seen the movie “Gravity” yet, but now that I have, these visions are very much like being in outer space) but different. More vast, if that’s possible. “Eric!” I internally cried, “Eric! You’ve got to come back. I know you are an explorer and probably loving all the places you’re traveling to, but you’ve got to come back. They’ve found a liver for you and you NEED to get back here.”

His wife emailed me the next day and said a new series of tests showed improvements. But that didn’t last long. His vitals and other test results started plummeting. Eric didn’t want to be here; he had gotten a taste of what was out there and he, ever the explorer/scientist/student, wanted more. I’d be damned if I was going to allow that to happen.

Not really knowing what I should/could do, I went in after him, spiritually speaking, with guns blazing. “ERIC!” I yelled inside my head, “ERIC! WHERE ARE YOU?! ERIC! YOU HAVE TO COME BACK!”  No response. No response inside my head or medically. I repeated, “ERIC! I’m not kidding around! There is a liver for you and you’ve GOT to get back to your body or they’ll give it to someone else. ERIC! DO YOU HEAR ME! You’ve GOT to get back here and give the doctors something they can go on. Don’t you DARE leave your wife. The last thing you said to her was that you loved her. GET BACK HERE, DAMNIT!  ERIC! Where ARE you?!”

Then I changed tactics a bit and said, “Eric. I know you want to explore. I know you are enjoying all of this, but you need to come back. Before you left, you were clear you wanted to come back. I need you to hear me. We need you to return, RIGHT NOW, Eric. The doctors will give your liver to someone else and you will not return. You will not kiss your wife or pet your dog again. ERIC!! COME. BACK. NOW!!!!! EEEEERRRRRICCCCCCCCCC!!!”

I’m not saying what I did worked, but it was shortly after that Eric’s tests showed promise and he received his new liver. Eric tells me he has memories of where he went and that I “got through” to him.

What I didn’t see for Eric, I did for Michelle and Cindy. Both of these ladies had left their physical body. One was end stage brain cancer and the other was in a medically induced coma.  I saw both of them floating in a place that looked like outer space. They both were attached to Earth with an umbilical cord of sorts which looked like a very thin strand of hair.  This told me things were not good, not good at all.

Michelle spoke to me and said she wanted her husband to kiss her on her lips once more. She wanted her three boys to tightly hold her hands and feet. She told her mother she loved her and had the utmost respect for her. She said she had no regrets.

I argued with Michelle about telling her husband this. Her husband does not know me and isn’t familiar with my Work. I told Michelle my kind was burned at the stake for this kind of stuff in the past. She was insistent and so I trusted and did as she asked.  I sent a text to her husband but I didn’t hear back from him. I wasn’t really expecting to. Part of me is glad he didn’t respond because I couldn’t have handled anything but kindness. Michelle passed away shortly after I relayed her messages.

Cindy is a friend of mine from way back who has never experienced my Work. I received a phone call from one of my besties that Cindy had gone into cardiac arrest and had been in a car accident. She was in a medically induced coma and it didn’t look good. Once my adrenaline evened out and I was able to quit crying, I spiritually looked for her.

I saw her way out in space but connected to Earth by a hair-thin cord. Her back was arched and there was no brain activity. She was just floating. I began to cry once again. I said, “Cindy. Cindy? Can you hear me?” I received no reply.

I laid down for a nap but couldn’t sleep. I kept thinking about Cindy. Suddenly, her voice filled my head. She told me she didn’t want to go (die) this way as she hadn’t said goodbye to anyone. In an instant, and in true Cindy form, her energy changed to determination but it was tinged with fear. She said, “Where am I?! I’m frightened.”

I loved that I could hear her. I told her what had happened and she said, “I have to get back for my grand kids.”  And get back she did. Within seconds, her energetic body became animated; she snapped into a forward facing position and grabbed the cord connecting her to Earth.  Immediately upon doing this, the cord became thicker. It looked like twisted metal cabling which was as thick as my arm.

Cindy, with teeth gritted, began pulling herself back to Earth. Her astral travels were also having effects on her physical body. Her pupils became reactive to light; her brain scan showed promise.

But this rapid return was tiring for her. I watched as the cord grew thicker still and as Cindy paused to take a nap. When she awoke, it was with a new vigor; she was eager to get back to her body. Hand over hand, eyes focused directly on Earth (she never once looked back) and with grunts of exertion, she kept methodically going.

Her physical body was showing signs of this progress, too. She was coming out of her coma before the medical world was ready to have her do so. According to them, she had another full day before they would attempt to bring her out of the deep sleep. Cindy had other ideas. She left the hospital, on her own accord, just two days later.

I hadn’t consciously been thinking about writing this blog until a few days ago. Last night my Guys were insistent that I get ‘r done and in that, I inexplicably trust. For the person or persons who needed this (ahem!), I hope it brings you comfort.

Delete

Since my energetic upgrade a few months ago, I’ve grown very restless with certain things in my life, one of those things being my personal Facebook page. I never have been one to obsessively check FB nor do I care what people are up to that I haven’t associated with in years. I wasn’t one of those who had hundreds of “friends” and I didn’t post my every thought, event or picture. It’s totally cool with me if others do, but I never used social media that way.

Truthfully, the only reason Inner Focus Reiki has a business FB page is because years ago when a friend of mine was helping me get my website up and running, he said I HAD to have a social media presence. I reluctantly gave in and created a business FB page. He questioned me about Twitter and such but I didn’t want anything to do with it (and I still don’t). Social media sort of short circuits me; it feels like being among hordes of last minute Christmas eve mall shoppers.

I’m a very private person and I always have been. It’s how I was raised. I recently realized that my need for additional personal privacy comes at a time when my Work is expanding. The truth is sometimes when people taste my intuitive gifts they want ALL of me. It’s as if I stop being a human and become a commodity. People forget I am also a wife, a mother, a sister, a best friend. They forget I have emotions and that I bleed red when cut. They assume my life is an open book and they are the ravenous, insatiable, greedy readers. I am wholly uncomfortable with that.

I’ve seen how people who publicly use their Intuitive gifts can be idolized, alienated, harassed and even stalked. I don’t want anything to do with that as being a practicing Intuitive is just a fraction of who I am; it does not define me. It’s also one of the reasons I strive to empower my clients as I don’t want people to become dependent upon me or my intuitive knowledge.

My home, my sanctuary, has been a busy work environment for my husband’s work crew for over three years. My sense of space and privacy has been greatly diminished by this. I reached my indignity limit recently when I was in our bedroom, door closed and the cable TV dude walked right in. Didn’t knock, just opened the door and walked right in (our cable box is in the bedroom closet). Uhhhh. HELLO?! What if I had been in my pajamas or (gulp) NOT in my pajamas?!

All of this has led me to feel like I need to declutter and my eyes turned towards my personal FB page. It felt tarnished and of the old. Several acquaintances had left my life and I hadn’t had an honest conversation with – or seen – others in years. There were others whom I stopped wanting to stay in touch with and others who were just ‘Facebook Fabulous’ (Facebook Fake). I no longer wanted that social media connection. It no longer fueled me, on the contrary, it seemed to drain me. I needed to end that chapter and energetically free myself.

Of course I had the “good girl” thoughts of: If I do this, would the deleted parties go all “mean girl” on me? Would the earth still turn? What if….?  Then I realized this wasn’t about them, it was about me (“It’s not you, it’s me”). I needed to be true to myself and get over some residual “what will everyone think” thoughts. Once I realized this, reducing my friend list became so much easier.

I have always been one to maintain professional distance with clients for many reasons. Going through my personal Facebook friends, I found there were several clients whom I didn’t know or associate with outside of Work, nor did I care to. That told me something.

With the desire to keep more of my personal life private, it strikes me as odd that I feel led to become more open and slightly less professional (Egads! That thought almost causes me to break out in hives!) on my business Facebook page.  If it’s my quirkiness, personality, and well “humanness” you want, well then maybe I should do this more publicly? It sounds so counter-intuitive to sequester more of my personal life in one area but open it up in another, much larger, area.

The energy surrounding this feels of the new and yet sort of uncomfortable.  But if you’re used to doing things one way for so long, the new will feel uncomfortable until it becomes, well, comfortable.

 

Wounds

For so many of us lately, myself included, it feels as if old emotional wounds are being ripped opened and re-exposed. These are wounds we thought we had dealt with and healed. We are, quite frankly, pissed off as all hell about this.

I recently intuited some information about a client’s long dead father and her very much alive best friend. I said, “It looks like old wounds are coming up for you that need to be healed. It’s all coming around for you again. Your bestie is treating you the way your father did.” My client blinked her beautifully wise blue eyes and she said she thought she had dealt with this painful emotional issue.

She then said something so profound that I felt as if I was the student instead of the teacher. Truth be told, this often happens when I work on her. She drew in a breath and said what she had previously dealt with was the back end of her father’s abuse; she hadn’t dealt with it while it was going on. Now, she said, she’s been given the opportunity to deal with the front end of this abuse thanks to her life-long best friend.

Well, what the hell (head scratch). She’s completely right, you know.

I thought I was through with the emotional/psychological abuse I suffered at the mouth of my starter husband. I thought I had worked through the pain of the passive-aggressive and emotional abuse from my family. I thought I had healed the reoccurring betrayal and abandonment issues that seem to weave themselves throughout my life. I thought. I thought. I thought. Turns out, I thought (mostly) wrong.

Based on previous blogs, it’s no secret I firmly believe people enter our lives to help teach us lessons. Some of those lessons can drop us to our knees while others barely cause us to break a sweat. Some of the most powerful lessons we learn are from our parents, our siblings, our children, our spouses and our besties. Those that are closest to us know us the best and they also know our triggers and how to push them. It only makes sense that our families would try to teach us some of the most transformational lessons.

It’s also no secret that I long ago let go of hating someone for the pain they’ve caused me. I just look at things differently now. Hating someone who ultimately tried to help me heal/grow and may have done so at my implicit request, serves no purpose. It’s like hating your stomach for making you fat.

Most of the time I understand the people who cause us pain are here to help us heal and grow but in the effort of full disclosure, I DO hate someone. I hate this person mainly because of how internally ugly they are and the pain this person has consciously and calculatedly inflicted on someone I love. I can’t shake the disgust and repulsion I feel for this small-minded individual.

Sometimes, when I’m in a more spiritual place, I feel sorry for this person and their tiny self-constructed and limited world. At times I remember that this individual is in a ton of pain and has chosen not to heal. They have chosen to lash out because they want attention, good or bad. They are seeking to hurt a certain person because they feel this person is responsible for their pain and thereby owed it. They misguidedly seek to lessen their own internal pain. This lucid and spiritual way of seeing things calms me and helps me see clearly, but with this particular person, that doesn’t last long.

The reality is this person is trying to teach this someone something but they are triggering the momma badger in me and I want to rip them apart in the form of politically correct, but well directed, words. The reason I don’t is it’s not my fight; it’s not my battle. They are not here to teach me something, at least not directly. I’m just a bi-product; a civilian casualty. While I retain the ability to hate, I will not be mean. I will not yell, belittle, debase or verbally/emotionally abuse anyone. Not anymore. I do not and will not do this no matter how much a person gets my goat.

I was raised by a family who were masters at trying to control others by using these tactics. I know all about the intimidating, threatening, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-until-veins-pop-out-of-your-neck yelling. I am NOT that person anymore. Yelling has no place in my life. Yelling is just an attempt to be threatening and to try to intimidate another. Once you’re on to this, yelling is almost a laughable offense. Truth be told, you can stop a red-faced, eyes-bulging yeller with just a whisper and a steady gaze. This is a trick I learned from my girl Charmaine and then refined with the help of Jemma from Sons of Anarchy.

Back to my point; people are here to help teach us lessons. If we can believe and trust in that, then everything, every shitty little thing that happens in our life is aimed at helping us heal and grow. Why would we hate someone, yell at them or speak horribly about them, if their sole (soul) purpose was to help us heal? It sounds silly, right?  And if we are all connected (we are), then hating them is to hate a part of you.

Susie uses the concept of mirroring. What you dislike/like in them is what you dislike/like in you. Let’s go back to this bitter and abusive person for a moment. What are they triggering in me that I need to heal? I, obviously, am having a very strong reaction to their tactics so I may need to examine what I thought I had healed.

If I choose to do this, I may be able to deal with – and heal – these strong emotions at the beginning of their cycle, thereby healing the entire wound.  Maybe I can take a page out of Susie’s book. When life has handed her a giant load of crapsicles it would be easy for her to choose hate and yet she remains neutral and softly says, “I choose love.”

Liminal

The tears started almost as soon as I turned my head away from her. She was a West Fargo bus driver that was going above and beyond. She had stopped her bus in the middle of an unplowed street. I thought this was odd, but given the recent snow and slick roads, I thought she must have stopped where she did as she had slid through the stop sign. I was wrong.

She unfolded the buses “STOP” sign and opened the doors. I assumed there was an older child getting off of the bus. I turned my head back to concentrate on the slippery walking path and kept moving. I then heard her say, in a confident, happy, sing-song voice, “There you go!”

As I swiveled my head, I saw her bent over the littlest of little ones. He was so tiny his hat and jacket seemed to engulf him. She was standing closely behind him. Her hands were gently upon his back, encouraging him, guiding him, supporting him. She was helping him cross the rough, unplowed street. The energy of this simple, courteous, kind act along with the beauty surrounding the protective safeguarding of this tiny little sprout was wondrous.

The physical scene playing out before my eyes caused me to smile. I turned my head forward once again and continued on my walk. I was thinking how amazing it was that I was able to witness this kindness, this glimpse of humanity. But before I had fully taken two steps, I was overcome with emotional pain and my smile faded. I began sobbing in an unstoppable, cathartic kind of way.

 LIMINAL:

  1. of or relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process.
  2. occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.

I had never heard this word prior to Monday. Susie said it about me during our recent Reiki session.  To put it in laymen’s terms, think of “liminal” as the point where you have exhaled but have not yet begun to inhale or when something ends and something else has yet to begin. Liminal.

She intuited that I had sustained a “big hit.” That “hit” was received directly in my emotional heart and it brought me to my knees. I felt raw, exposed, and vulnerable. I was in shock. I had to draw on every bit of emotional healing and spiritual growth I had done over the years just to avoid becoming irrevocably broken.

I cancelled my yoga session for today. I didn’t really know why; I didn’t have a good explanation for Andrea other than I needed to cancel. This started a series of events.  My beloved husband asked me if I was going to be out and about today. I told him no. He mentioned he wanted to check out his land and take pictures. I brushed it off and said I was comfy in my pajamas.

A few minutes later I looked up from cyber-land and glanced out the window. The snow had stopped and the wind was calm. I decided to put on my boots and go for a walk. Walking has always been my choice of mental elixirs and cardio.

I was returning from said walk when the school bus slid to a halt and the scenario began to play out. I found myself thinking that in a world that seems to have gone bat shit crazy for so many of us, there is still hope for mankind. There is still beauty to be seen. There are still random acts of kindness to be witnessed.

This…THIS was the true reason I was led to cancel my yoga session. I know it. I feel it.  A little healing energy/love wrapped up as a bus driver and a littlie. THIS is why the succession of the other non-coincidental events unfolded the way they did. THIS was my liminal, my suspended breath. It’s over now. I’m breathing again and I am looking forward to the something new that is beginning.


NOTE: What emotionally took place isn’t for you to know, at least not now. Someday, I may write about it but for now, I choose to keep it private. Please respect this. I will not answer questions and I do not have it in me to respond to your individual well-wishing, encouraging emails, texts, FB posts and phone messages. If you’d like to send me love spiritually, I’d welcome that. Know that I’ll thank you spiritually, too.

Channeled Message 9.24.15

change

“The time is upon us for great change. Some of you have felt it for months; others are just beginning to feel it. Regardless, it is a time for change.

We have been patient. We have been kind. We have wondered if you were going to make the leap, to go to the next level. Some of you will find this transition as easy as waking up in the morning. Others will not be so lucky.

Look at your neighbor, your cubicle mate, the person who serves your favorite beverage. Look at the street cleaners, the laborers, the President.  Look at the infants, the infirm and the outraged. Look at all of them. Look. At. Them.  They, too, will be going through this marvelous and magnificent Change. You are not alone in this and neither are they.

Some of you will breeze through this and give nary a thought as to what is going on. Others will fair far worse. It is to those that we wish to speak today.

Dear Ones, do not feel unenlightened for we tell you that you have all the answers locked in a safe place deep inside of you. If you are feeling restless, what is it that you need to let go of? What is it that you need to change? If you are feeling overly hostile, what is it that you covet? What is it that you think you don’t already have? Are you seeking inner peace (We think that is such an over rated term), are you seeking divine assistance? Well, then, you must be willing to change.

The World as you know it will cease to exist shortly after dark midnight. A great wind will blow away the stink and the stench and only that which is pure of heart will be left unblemished. You will feel the energy change; the air will feel lighter, more pure somehow, less dense. You will feel less encumbered, like it is easier for you to breathe. We promise ALL of you this.  But for those who are restless, agitated, tired, bored, resentful, we promise you MORE.

To those we promise the release of those hateful and hurtful energies if you will but just take the first step. You may have already done so but it has not materialized on the human plane yet. Just let go. It is as easy as that. Let go.

If you are holding tight to an outdated value or moral code, examine it. How does it fit in with this “new” world?  If you are stubbornly holding your ground, check to see if there is any ground left to hold. If you are angry or aggressive, understand that you are not alone but that these feelings cannot be tolerated where you are (eventually) going. They simply do not exist in this World (Angelic realm).

What is making you angry? Is it being held back? Then let go. Is it being malnourished (spiritually)? Then open up your heart for a feast. Is it being tired? Then know the rest and replenishment you seek is yours for the taking. But you HAVE TO LET GO.

clenched-fistSome of you grip so tightly to antiquated versions of yourself that we cannot understand why you do not see the beauty you are to become. You hold tightly to what you believe, but what if what you believe has all changed? We see we have startled some of you.  Yes, it is true. What you believe, your tenets, ethics, code, morality, may have all changed. Have you bothered to check in with yourself to see what truly matters? Have you bothered to take a ‘pulse check’? If you will, you may see that doing things by rote is making you uncomfortable.

Some of you are being called to do Higher things. This may make you moderately uncomfortable at first, but once you embrace the idea, things will feel as natural as the skin you inhabit.

This One (uhhh…me…oh man…what now…) has made many great changes in her life although they have been subliminal. She has taken a stand, she has used her voice and she has seen her value increase. She is not ego driven so do not mistake what she is doing for that, she is human driven. She longs to serve, to help, to aid. She longs to make a difference in just one life. She is not so different from most of you, correct? So follow her lead, her example. Her light shines brighter than ever now. She has overcome some outdated obstacles and feels freer.  What used to work for her no longer does and we are not just talking about all things spiritual. No, this has also been very physical for her.  It may be for you as well.

We are here. We love you all. Yes, each and every one of you makes a difference, DAILY, in someone’s lives. Embrace this change for if you do not, it may wreck you. We do not wish to appear dire, but we do have your spiritual well-being in the forefront of our mind.

What is not working for you? CHANGE IT!  For if you think we are full of folly, then you will see how miserable the next six months will be.  Walk with us as with us, the wind is blowing in the right direction.

We honor all of you. This change is not easy but it must be done. Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today. What does that mean? Each of you, individually, knows what your heart longs for. Take steps to obtain it.  We wish for you nothing else.  We love your souls.”

Mahalum

She’s been coming to see, off and on, for years. She is an artist, a painter, a writer, a photographer. She earns her living by marketing for a local non-profit. Our Intuitive Reiki sessions are often filled with whimsical colors that she often incorporates into her art.

I love our sessions; she is never demanding and always respectful. She is understanding of my limits and accepts that I don’t have all the answers. She recognizes the worth of Reiki and she delights in my “humanness.”  Our sessions have been nothing short of reverent.

She is, thankfully, the poster child for the norm in my Intuitive Reiki business. I’m writing about her, specifically, because of something that caused my jaw to drop to the floor. I could be writing about any of my clients as I’ve had these moments before. But this one? This one left me shaken in a crikey, Scoob! kind of way.

When she entered my office she said she felt like a bird in a cage. She wanted some direction as to what she should do next. As she was telling me this I heard the word, “book” so when she finished I told her just that. Her hazel eyes misted over, she smiled and her hand went to her upper chest. She said she SO wants to write a book. I tilted my head and smiled a little “well, there you go” smile.

Our session began like any other. As is often the case, the Guys love to pepper her sessions with some inanity. They recently told her not to walk away from an impulse buy or she would regret it. They tell her she’s taking life to seriously; she needs more laughter. They tell her to urge her daughter to reconsider how she’s wearing her hair in her wedding. Yes, seriously.

I chuckle at this stuff, but it’s no secret my angels deal with the spiritual so each one of these seemingly trivial things is designed for my client to grow/heal spiritually. My client gets that and doesn’t dismiss these lighter toned messages.

The energy changed to all business when I quit channeling and began delivering pure Reiki to the top of her head. I heard that this session wasn’t going to be as relaxing as her previous sessions; it would be more intense. I relayed this information to her and as is her usual, she accepted it with grace.

It’s not often anymore that I’m led to telepathically infuse the Reiki symbols during a session but this time I was. Sort of. I began with the first two symbols you learn in Reiki II and then I heard, “Mahalum.”  Whaaa? That’s not a Reiki symbol. What is THAT? Mahalo? Mahalum? I shrugged my shoulders, mentally cleared my mind and tried again. I repeated the two accepted healing symbols and when it was time for me intone the sequential third, I once again heard, “Mahalum.”

Well, what the WHAT?! Mahalum? What IS that? I had no idea but went with it. As is the standard, I repeated the name of the two symbols again and then “Mahalum” was again inserted.  I thought it was just so odd as you don’t muck with the Reiki symbols. Ever. I have great respect for these symbols as they are powerful little things. To just throw a “Mahalum” in there floored me.

After her session ended, I looked up Mahalum in my trusty 1986 dictionary. Hummm… Mahalum. Nope, nothing and that’s normally where I’d leave it. But something was “encouraging” me to look further. I typed, “Mahalum” into my search engine and nothing came up in the drop down box.

I left it at that and talked some more with my client but it was still bugging me. My client said it would come up for her somewhere in some unexpected way. She was fine with that but I picked up my phone again and entered, “Mahalum” and this time I pressed the magnifying glass (search) button and don’t you know, low and behold, there was information on this word. It was in Hindi so I had it translated to English and my eyes, which have spiritually seen so much, become as large as the eyes of an owl.

My jaw hit the floor. I looked at her and then back to the google search results. I read the answer again and then I looked up at her slightly shaking my head in disbelief. I managed to stammer a very unprofessional, “Holy SHIT! You are NOT going to believe this!” before my mouth fell open again. I was having so much trouble coming to grips with what I was reading.

While I was getting my freak out on, she calmly sat leaning forward in her chair and didn’t say a word. She knew I’d get there eventually and no worry crossed her face. She patiently gazed at me as she had a hundred times.

I stammered again, “You, uhhh, you are NOT going to believe this. Ok. Ok” as if I was talking myself into doing something. Yes, that was how astounded I was at what I was reading and how deeply my intuitive abilities sometimes flat out flabbergast me. I looked at her, took a deep breath and said, “Mahalum is Hindi for “to write.”

book

Angel

I was making our bed this morning when I glanced up and saw the most beautiful angel standing in the corner of our bedroom. He was very tall (7 or 8 feet), very handsome (understatement) and dressed in all black. He had dark, shoulder-length wavy hair and mesmerizing sapphire blue eyes. While I’m not in the habit of seeing angels in our bedroom, I really didn’t think much about it. Lately, strange shit has been happening both inside and outside of my work environment.

I did startle but rallied quickly and greeted him with a casual, “Oh, don’t-mind-me. I’m-just-making-our-bed” voice, “Hey dude! What’s up?”  He smiled a smile that had the ability to make me forget how to breathe but he didn’t answer.  I thought again of how breathtakingly, ethereally beautiful he was. I shrugged my shoulders, finished making the bed and left for work.

When I returned home, I changed clothes and as is my practice, I began walking to get my dolly from daycare. The same angel easily and quietly fell in step beside me before I got half way down the block.

I thought, “This is odd. What the hell is this angel …oh ohhh.” I instantly flashed back to when my dad was dying and the angel that came for him. That angel, equally as astonishingly beautiful was also dressed in black but he had jet black eyes (don’t freak out; Hollywood has demonized black eyes but they’re not to be feared!).

I snapped a terse, “Dude. What are you doing? Why are you here?!” And he calmly said, “I am here to protect you.”  I said, “Are you sure? The last time I saw your kind you took my dad Home.” He repeated, “I am here to protect you.”

My mind went to my husband. He, whom I love beyond what a mere word can convey, has been having some unexplained health concerns recently. He is a Gulf War veteran and the chemical warfare used by the other side was/is insidious. Many of those chemicals were designed to activate slowly in order to disable and debilitate our troops over the course of decades.

I had just told him, less than a week ago, that my spidey sense was tingling as there had been too many signs recently.  You see, I have been seeing threes everywhere again, in fact, just the other night I awoke at exactly 3:33. There are no coincidences and I’ve been trying to figure out what all these threes mean. Lawdy, I wish this spiritual stuff came with a manual.

You can understand my frame of mind when I said to the angel, “You’re not here for my husband, are you? I’ve been seeing threes everywhere for the last three months. Are you here for him?!”  Again he calmly said, “I am here to protect you.”

So, that was what…three (THREE again?!! Are you SHITTING ME?! Come ON!) times he stated he was here to protect me. And yet I still didn’t believe him. In fact, I was so freaked out, I called my husband while this angel walked beside me and told him about this whole exchange. I asked him to be extra careful. He said it sounded like I needed to be extra careful. Well, what the hell? Me? What?

During the walk, the angel’s body language was casual but his eyes were vigilant. He stayed outside while I retrieved my daughter and as we started walking again, I asked Ceta if she could see the angel next to me. She twisted her head both ways and said no. She asked how I could see the angel and I told her I didn’t know how I could. I described him to her as if that would somehow magically allow her to see him. She shook her head and said she didn’t see anything.

I then heard the angel say, “I love her.” I told Ceta that and before she could say anything, I heard him say, “I respect her. I admire her.” As I finished telling Ceta this she said, “How can you hear that, mommy? I didn’t hear anything.”  I told her I sometimes hear with my head, not with my ears.  She asked how I could do that and I told her I didn’t really know.

As we continued our walk home, the energy (mood) changed. The angel said again, “I am here to protect you.” He must have been answering a question I didn’t even know I’d asked but his response was REALLY starting to freak me out. I started having a very physical reaction, too. I could feel my breath and heart rate quicken as if I was preparing for a flight, fight or freeze scenario.

As my body was physically reacting to some unseen stimuli, I intuitively heard, “Cross the street.”  I didn’t, of course, as I didn’t see what the big dealio was and besides, I was waiting to cross at the crosswalk (safety girl!). A few steps later I heard, “Cross the street.” This time it was a little more forceful but I still didn’t cross the street. I was having an internal conversation with myself that went something like this: “I’ll cross the street when I am damn good and ready, like when I get to a walking path or a driveway.” I’m a teensy bit stubborn that way and besides, I STILL didn’t see any danger. But after my internal convo faded and I took a few more strides, I became very agitated and felt like I had just moved into a high alert status.

This time the telepathic voice commanded I cross the street. Boy howdy, you didn’t have to ask me twice (this time). Nope! I didn’t wait for my own human eyes to pick up the danger or for the upcoming crosswalk. I went all Jackie Chan and cut right through someone’s yard and then through someone else’s yard. By Jove, I got to the other side of the street and I did it by picking ‘em up and putting ‘em down, like right NOW.

During my “going rogue” episode, Ceta said, “Mommy. Mommy! What are you doing, mommy?!” I said, “I wish I knew, honey, but I have to cross the street NOW.”  This is so unlike me that Ceta said, “You shouldn’t do that mommy” which is her response when she senses an injustice. Lord help the child who’s not wearing a bike helmet while riding a bike if Ceta’s around. She is SO the Lawbreaker Police.

My heart rate settled as did my breath. I couldn’t visibly detect any harm coming from the other side of the street but then again, our physical vision IS very limited. On the new side of the street, I did stop for a lady backing out of her driveway as she didn’t see us. I thought that was kind of weird as if I had stayed on the other side of the street, this situation wouldn’t have happened. But maybe something else, something far worse, might have.

My black clad, black winged companion chaperoned Ceta and I until we returned home. Safely. Has the danger passed? I don’t know. Tonight, though, I’m arming our security system. I may be um, “challenging” (ahem!) but I’m not stupid. And the angel? I just spotted him folding his huge frame into the rocking chair that sits next to my baby girl’s bed. His demeanor says, “I got this, momma. Rest easy. I’ll be here all night keeping watch.”

And that gives me a sense of protection that no armed security system ever will.