Battle

Once there were eight soldiers, all strangers and recent high school graduates who left their parents, siblings, jobs and homeland to fight in a war.  Putting aside the last of their waning youth, they focused their still-developing brains on learning how to kill and, perhaps more importantly, how to stay alive in Uncle Sam’s Army. Forming unbreakable bonds, they each became the other’s ride-or-die. Extreme trauma and battlefield duress became their normal and like most of their own families, this arrived with its own type of dysfunctional baggage.

As the war and these soldiers matured, so did the undertow of these alliances. Once the conflict ended, reunions were erratically scheduled. At first, they wouldn’t talk about what happened during their time in Iraq. Instead, they tried to numb the memories with addictive agents such as alcohol and/or narcotics.

Then, as time marched on and they grew older still, they started to open up and discuss what had happened in the streets, trenches and bunkers. This brought with it the knowledge that they were all self-medicating but instead of helping as they hoped, they were succumbing to the unrelenting and debilitating nerve pain brought on by the enemy’s chemical weapons.

Most sought help through the VA system, something that was designed just for them, but most walked away feeling as if it was broken and that they had been unheard, dismissed or had become…expendable.

Some were repeatedly rejected when they tried to have their disability rating increased. Others were unfairly judged to be pain pill seekers, even though it was well documented what Army soldiers had been subjected to.  Those who were prescribed narcotics found it to be a temporary fix and they needed higher and higher dosages to take the edge off, something the doctors were unwilling to do. And still others continued to go unmedicated while the doctors put them through a battery of needless tests and then, unable to find anything physically responsible for their pain, referred them to numerous “specialists.”

Meanwhile, these Gulf War veterans continued to experience nightmares, anxiety, PTSD, depression, and full-body joint pain. Some continued to find temporary solace in illegal drugs or, like my husband, alcohol. Others, having had enough of the physical and emotional agony or fighting for their own well-being, ended their lives, leaving those who had once protected them guilt-ridden and questioning their own fate.

After the death of their squad’s fifth member, my own husband then almost eighteen months sober and in PTSD counseling, felt his constant pain ratchet up from a six to an eight. He wondered absently if the pain was being passed on to those still alive.

I asked him if he wanted me to (intuitively) look into that and he said he did.  My response was immediate.

“No, the pain is not being passed from one of you to the next.”

“It sure feels that way,” he said.

I shook my head, emphasizing the point, “The disease is progressing.”  

Throughout our twelve years together, there was rarely a day when I didn’t give him Reiki, but even that has its limits. I kept telling him he’d find the answer. He’d look under every rock and he’d find something that would help. That day finally arrived in the form of a gift certificate to a local salt bath business.

After his first float in a large, non-claustrophobic tub, his pain was reduced to the level of five or six. Subsequent weekly floats brought it down to a three, something he was very grateful for. Most recently, I felt his body’s energy and said, “It’s changing. Your joints don’t feel so heavy or thick anymore. I can feel a reduction in the energetic swelling.  Whatever you’re doing – or not doing – it’s helping.”

Then, knowing another reunion was on the horizon, I asked if I could do minimal intuitive work about the surviving battle buddies.

“One of them is from Tennessee,” I said with knowing. Trinity validated my knowledge.

“He’s in a lot of pain,” I said. “Like in a bad, bad way. He’s really far gone, Trinity.”

“Yeah, I think he’ll be the next to go. I think the other one is doing alright, at least he’s in a little bit better space, but Gary is a complete alcoholic mess.”

Continuing, I said, “He feels worthless and lonely. I could help him. Have him call me. Or maybe you could tell him that his life matters and that you have found some relief from the pain with salt baths.”

A shoulder shrug was his response.

The night before his trip, Trinity confided, “I have this weird feeling that Gary and Andy are gonna do a murder-suicide thing. I’ve already told them I won’t come to their hotel room. We’ll meet in a public place or we won’t meet at all. I also told Gary not to bring any guns and he said he could just buy one at a pawn shop if he wanted to. His response was so quick that it tells me he’s thought about this.”

“Smart,” I told him. “You’ve got good instincts. Listen to them.”

Gary and Andy (not their real names) were each other’s wingmen. They had formed a deeper friendship in Iraq and that tie held for twenty-eight years. Trinity considered himself an outsider to this connection, but the memories of combat still bound the three together.  As it was, after several hours of talking about the past and present, they parted ways.

The next time Trinity saw them, Gary was pass-out drunk, clearly on a bender. Andy’s addiction was pain pills, prescription or illegal, so he appeared less intoxicated. Saying their goodbyes, Trinity left for the airport. The two war buddies stayed behind because their flights were scheduled for the next day.

They would not make them. Or any flights. Ever again.

            “I’m one-hundred percent sure it’s the last time I’ll see them alive,” read Trinity’s text to me that night.

The next day he called the hotel and asked them to do a welfare check. The hotel staff indicated money, ID’s, clothing and all personal effects were in the room, but the guests were not, nor had they checked out at the required time. Trinity notified police, filled out two missing person reports, gave a description of the clothes they might be wearing and offered his opinion on a murder-suicide pact.

After that, thoughts filled my husband’s head and sleep would not come. Had he missed the signs? Had he been bamboozled? Could he have done more? One thing he didn’t have to question was why they did it. Having lived with the annihilating and killing (literally) pain for the majority of his life, he knew the answer.

Within a day of Trinity’s return, the call came, confirming what he had suspected.

Two bodies had been found matching Trinity’s earlier description.  After a day and night of heavy drinking and possible drug use, both decided it was time. Stumbling into an alleyway, they wrapped an American flag around their heads, a final “fuck you” to the government or, perhaps, in remembrance that they were veterans who had given their all for the US of A.

Then, using a large caliber gun, they confirmed Trinity’s foreboding feeling.

The notifying police officer asked if Trinity knew their next of kin. My husband said that he was probably the closest thing to it. The officer said the hotel was asking that the bar tab be paid.

“How much was it?” Trinity asked, thinking he would do so out of respect for his fallen brothers.

“Thirty-one-hundred dollars.”

Christ!

“Uh. How about you get the US government to pay that.”

It’s the least they can do, I thought, after all, these men had just finished what the government started almost thirty years ago.

With that, the tears that had been welling spilled over and sobs ripped from my throat.  

“What do you need, honey? How can I help you?” I asked.

“I need to be alone and don’t worry, I won’t do anything stupid.” Meaning he wouldn’t kill himself. “I’ve already been in touch with my psychologist and I just need to process this. I want to close the door on this chapter in my life. I want to move forward. I, I want it to be done.”

As I was trying to sleep, an unsolicited vision of Trinity filled my mind. He was resting on his back, eyes closed. I placed two fingers on either side of his neck and when I did, a clear, watery, gel-like substance began bubbling, and then streaming, from his mouth. It ended almost as soon as it began, and I saw Trinity’s chest rhythmically rise and fall as if he was in a deep, peaceful sleep.

A “thought” came to me that now he could breathe easier and would sleep without feeling like he was drowning.

And then there was one.


Statistics report Army suicides are at fifty-two percent; the highest of any armed forces.

Believe

Before I left on sabbatical, a few clients had asked if I worked with couples. They felt my unique spiritual perspective could really benefit their marriages. I told them I hadn’t considered this, but I certainly would.

Throughout my leave, I kept thinking about this and realized my intuitive gifts, combined with straight-forward talk, could really help those who were wanting – or needing – something different. I kept the idea warm, returning to it every now and then, trusting that if it was meant to be it would be.

About three weeks ago a friend who is dealing with some marital issues reached out. I had this “thought” that I could help her and her husband and I should ask if she’d be open for me to do so, but I pushed it down because one of her besties is a powerful spiritual warrior and I didn’t want to step on her toes.

I appeased myself with the thought that I’d let it be and see what happened. You’d think I’d know better by now, wouldn’t ‘cha?  Within minutes, her husband’s voice filled my head.

Let Sarah do it, he said snidely and with bitterness. Then, in the manner of Jan Brady: Sarah, Sarah, SARAH!

Having a zero “poor me” tolerance, I softly said, “Oooooh Dave, noooo…You do it. You are an adult and you need to learn from your mistakes, just as we all do. Nobody can do it for you and life doesn’t come with a manual. Get used to it, dude.”

I’m not good enough, came his dejected reply.

“Sorry you think that, but how is that working for you? Good? No? Then change it!”

I’m scared.

“We all are, bucko. We all are.”

Will you help me?

“Welllll, I’m kinda in my own hell right now but I’ll never say no to a soul in need. Let’s start right away.”  My thought was I could spiritually work with him while I slept.

DEAL!  he said with enthusiasm and I was shown an image of him clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

“Dave,” I asked, “is it okay for me to share our talks with Sarah?”

NO!  Wait! Tell her a little. I want her to be proud of me.

That night I began working with him.  In what appeared to be a school room, he arrived looking like a seven-year-old version of his adult self. He was dressed in his best first-day-of-school clothes: a button-up short-sleeve shirt and blue dress pants. Completing his look was a fresh haircut. His blond hair had been gelled to create spikes. He carried a sharpened number two pencil and an unused, ruled notebook.

As he anxiously squirmed in his desk chair, he licked the tip of the pencil indicating he was ready to get down to business. He asked what our first lesson would be and without really knowing the answer, I said, “I want you to write ‘I believe in me.’”

His face fell and his shoulders slumped. That’s it?  he asked with incredulity. That’s what you want me to write?! 

Inwardly I smiled at his crestfallen look. “No,” I said. “I want you to believe it.”

With an open mouth, he stared at me as if I had just asked him to do something abhorrent.

And I had.

The next day, I told Sarah what had occurred and that I thought the Guys were urging me forward with Empowerment Counseling (a nice way of saying “couples therapy”) and that she was free to say no but would she and Dave consider coming to see me for a spiritual “counseling” session? Her response came within minutes; they were both on board.

Well, whaddya know?

A joint session was scheduled and that night, during another of Dave’s astral lessons, I asked him to use “I believe in me” in a sentence. Once again, his mouth fell open and he stared at me like I had sprouted horns and a spiked tail.

“This is where we must start, Dave,” I said. “The fact that you are genuinely struggling should be all the validation you need that this is important.”

His eyes rolled upward and then slammed shut. He pursed his lips and clenched his fist.  Like a petulant child, he moaned, Awwww maaaaan!   

“Dave, you’re ready or you wouldn’t have found me.”

The day of their session, I was filled with excitement. This felt right and even though I didn’t exactly know what this was going to look like, or how it would flow, I trusted it would be fine.  

Dave was understandably nervous, and I couldn’t blame him. After all, Sarah was very familiar with Reiki, intuitive work and even the Guys, but he wasn’t.  After a brief synopsis of what Reiki was, how my intuition worked and stating that I had asked for information which would serve both of them, I asked Dave to volunteer.

Being a good sport, he did. Once settled on the Reiki table, my validating intuitive gifts started to bubble forth. It felt so good to be back in the saddle again. After rambling off a series of knowing’s, Dave asked me how I was doing this.

“Have you talked to Sarah about this stuff?” he asked.

“Uh no.”

“Then how do you know this stuff?”

“’Cause I’m a Rockstar.”

As his time on the table was ending, Sarah left the room and I told Dave he had to believe in himself. I had earlier wondered if that information would bleed over into this session and it had. I also shared that he and I were working on spiritual lessons during the evening hours.

When Sarah returned, I was showing Dave the jade Reiki stone carrying a portion of the symbol that resembled what I had seen on his own spiritual heart. When I said the image’s name, the room grew quit.

“What did you say?” Sarah asked.  I repeated the name.

To Sarah, Dave said, “Isn’t that what Thomas (their son) says about the angel he sees? Showcoo? Isn’t that the name he uses?”

I glanced at Sarah and saw her eyes were wide. She nodded and I broke out in goosebumps.

Next, it was Sarah’s turn. With her, I used different terminology and was even more direct in what I saw and knew.  At one point, I heard Dave mumble that he was trying not to cry.

“You’re sensitive, Dave.” I said. “That’s a really good thing. This is a safe place to cry. Crying is the start of healing. Don’t hold back.”  But he did, at least externally.

Then, in a voice that was full of honesty and emotion, he said, “I love you, Sarah.”

“Dave!” I said. “Bless your heart! I love that you freely tell your wife that in front of someone you’ve just met. Most men wouldn’t do that; they would be too intimidated or embarrassed.” Then I started crying, partly because of something that was going on in my life but mainly because the energy surrounding his admission was breathtakingly beautiful.

As Sarah’s portion finished, she took her seat next to Dave and he reached for – and then held – her hand. He told her again he loved her, and that this session was the best and coolest thing he had ever done. Then he said something that caused my breath to catch, “Sarah used to be the securest person I knew and now she’s insecure because of me.”  

I was confused and alarmed by his statement. Having made it very clear during the session’s preamble that my “job” here wasn’t to place blame or point fingers, I quickly reviewed what I remembered from Sarah’s reading and couldn’t find anything that did so. I indicated, among other things, that her neck was pushed to one side, her spiritual heart was somewhat closed, her hips were out of alignment, and that the balls of her feet were swollen from being reactive.  Truly, nothing out of the normal.

Seeking to clear this up, I asked, “What did I say that caused you to feel like this, Dave?”

“She’s reactive from dealing with me.”

Knowing a response was not needed, I lowered my eyes.

He repeated, “I love you, Sarah.”

As they were leaving, I noticed a difference in Dave’s energy. My earlier telepathic communication with him was accurate; he was ready. Once in the parking lot, I saw him pull Sarah into his arms.  This caused tears to prick my eyes again but this time, instead of pain, I felt happiness knowing my Work was part of the reason for their embrace.

Jazzed and knowing this was all divinely inspired, I thought, Okay, I get it! I’m totally gonna offer this Empowerment Counseling thingy. This shit is my jam

(Even though permission was granted, aliases were used.)

Sabbatical

signs-of-spiritual-transformation

18 months ago, I let my students and potential students know that I would be finished teaching classes by June 2019. I had been feeling restless for about six months prior to that. I sat with it, trying to understand it until I finally knew it was time to act. It just felt right to “retire” from teaching and let my Reiki Master students take up the reins.

Several of you expressed concern that I would no longer be doing Intuitive Reiki. At the time I had no intention of stopping, however I couldn’t predict what the future would hold. Another piece of that future has fallen into place and it’s time to tell you about it.

My favorite soul-without-a-body, Kyle, came to a gifted Medium friend of mine almost a year ago. Kyle said I would soon need to decide which world I wanted to walk in or I would be ripped apart. My Medium friend said it looked like I had one foot on a dock and one foot on a boat. At the time I had begun my first novel so I suspected it had something to do with that.

Not long after that my husband came home from an AA meeting and told me, names withheld, about some of the attendees. I would intuitively pick up on their energy and know why they chose to drink or use drugs. I would relate this to him and he would validate my information. It was then that I started yearning for something bigger. I wanted to reach more people. I wanted to do my Work differently. I felt drawn to working with recovering alcoholic and addicts. I thought, “What a beautiful gift. I could help them understand their fears or insecurities and maybe why they drank/used.”

I pursued this through my (limited) channels, but nothing panned out. Instead of being frustrated, I chose to believe it wasn’t the right time. That quest opened an internal door that left me feeling like I was meant to do more and I started to yearn for whatever that was.

quotes-story-heal-iyanla-vanzant-480x480As my book progressed and I was editing chapter after chapter after chapter, I decided I didn’t want to write on Wednesday evenings only anymore. I knew the content of book number two still had a painful effect on me and switching between writing and clients was not possible. I needed to take some time away from work.

I floated the idea of a short sabbatical by my husband. Without hesitation he said, “Go for it.” That gave me the green light I had been needing but I was not physically able to take the next step.

Around this time, my hubby sold his building and moved his business into a larger space complete with two unused offices. He offhandedly said, “You could use one of these offices for Reiki.”  I felt a stirring somewhere inside of me. It was as if another cog had turned bringing me closer to my next purpose.  When he was proudly showing off his new digs, I was drawn to an office. I felt its energy and with excitement I knew that would be my new work space once my lease had expired.

Susie (my mentor and bestie) and I trade Reiki monthly. When I was working on her in August, her deceased dad’s voice came through with a message for me. He said, “Remember, you come first.”  I was startled and said, “Susie? Your dad is here but he’s talking directly to me. He says, “I come first.” She nodded her head and grabbed my hand and said, “You do!”  He asked me to repeat it so inside my head I intoned, “I come first.”

I knew what he was doing. I was emotionally struggling with letting my clients down. I am very maternal and protective of them. I feel vested in their forward progress. I felt like I had to find a home for them or I needed to make sure they would be safe. Susie’s dad was reminding me that I needed to put my needs first.

I talked with my Guys (guardian angels). “What am I going to do with all those who still need me? I just can’t abandon them.” They, so damn wise, said, “Perhaps you have taken them as far as they can go and now you will empower them to find others that can help in different ways.” (eyebrow raise) Uhhh…oooOOOOhhhh.

When I first moved into Inner Focus Reiki’s office space, I signed a three-year lease. When that expired, I intuitively knew I could only commit to two more years. I didn’t know the reason but I trusted in that knowing. Now my Guys had just given me what I needed to move forward. I posted on Facebook that I was looking to get out of my lease and within two days, a new renter appeared. Her approval process took over six weeks (not the norm, but perhaps it was needed?). I continued to trust all was falling into place. No easy feat, let me tell you!

Body artAfter the new renter appeared, things started spiritually happening to me which solidified my earlier decision. In addition to Troy giving me a taste of heaven, I saw a client’s soul body float up and out of her physical body. She was fully tattooed in deeply saturated marbleized colors that swirled and curled. She was supremely beautiful. Her face was also tattooed and radiated calmness. Her eyes were large, all black and held great wisdom. She looked at me and through her eyes, I felt unconditional love and acceptance. As my client’s session was ending, the soul body sank back into her physical body.

LavaAnother client had been sexually abused by her father. Before I even intuited that, I saw him, now deceased, as a burning red blob of magma that was oozing putrid yellow rivers of what looked like pus. I was transported to his lineage and knew that his great, great, great grandfather was southern and treated his women like livestock. He treated his slaves better than he did his wife as he viewed her as scum, only there to breed and he felt she deserved the abuse.

I saw another lifetime where her dad’s lineage was involved in the KKK. And still another that operated covertly to do maximum damage. Her dad had opted to have girls only in this lifetime so he could break the long history of male supremacy. Unfortunately, he didn’t overcome the cycle of abusing women.

Angle with Crown and WingsYet another client had an angel with white opalescent wings appear. This angel was there to reconnect us as we were previously sisters. She was also there to give us both an energy upgrade. When she finished with me, she said, “I have just given you the gift of sight.”  I said, “I already have that.” She calmly replied, “Not like this.” and then she vanished.

Most recently, a client had a Native American Chief come into her session. This Chief told me he was here to help her but was also here to help me heal my heart. As I sat at her head, I was told that I have “boundless, limitless energy” and that “I will now walk the earth in my true form.”

White angel wings appeared on my back. They spread out from my shoulders and spanned about five feet on either side of me. Not going to kid you readers, I was wide eyed and internally saying, “HOLY SHIT! Hooooleeeee SHIT!” As this client’s session ended, I was told, “Our karmic pact has been fulfilled.” I knew we both had learned what we needed from each other and it would be time for us to move forward.

Most of these clients had been on my books for months. One had even rescheduled her session from June until October. This allowed me to believe they all wanted to be a part of helping me grow and if things wouldn’t have fallen into place for me, none of these events would have occurred. This validated the movement I was taking was the right one.

sceptre 1Saturday I held what I think is my last Innately Intuitive class. While I was leading my students through an angel-inspired guided meditation, a heavy white silken opalescent cape draped around my shoulders. I was told this was a “Cloak of Purity.” An ornate golden staff with an clear oval crystal was placed upon my lap. A delicate gold crown was placed upon my head. I heard, “Priestess” and was told I am a “work of art” and not in the sarcastic way, either. Finally, “The next stage will begin immediately.”

sabbaticalday001

Which brings us to this blog, dear reader, client and/or student. I have decided to take a three or four month sabbatical starting December 1, 2018 in order to work on myself and book number two. I don’t know what my life will look like after that. This is as much information as I have right now.

I am drawn to empowerment and inspirational speaking. This is a great way for me to continue informal teaching and allows me to reach more people. Again, I don’t know what this looks like. My Guys have told me I will reach 80% of my clients (or people) this way. The other 20% will see me in person.

faith

I’m trusting. As I did almost 13 years ago when I quieted ego and opened the doors of Inner Focus Reiki, I’m taking another leap of faith. I’m following something primal and I’m agog with excitement and also pee-in-my-pants scared.

I want to thank each one of you who has seen me once or a hundred times during these years. You may think I was just helping you, but you were also helping me. You were giving me confidence, experience and allowing me to push boundaries. You were encouraging me to become more. You trusted in me and I, unknowingly, was trusting in you.  Thank you for finding your way to me. It’s an honor to have been part of your journey.

Sabbatical 2

(I will continue to see clients through November 28, 2018.)


As of today my first novel, “ONE (plus one makes…)” is still in the hands of my copy editor. I will post updates on my professional Facebook page as well as my website. ♥

Channeled Message 11.28.16

“Dear ones. Some of you are feeling oh so enlightened while others feel like they are floundering in the darkness. We have news for you; it is all a matter of perception. That is not to say one is better than the other for they both have their value. It IS to say it is all how you view it.

Some of you moan and tell us your life is falling down around your ears. Others exalt in being free from the Old even though their life is in shambles. Interesting how perceptions can be, wouldn’t you agree?

This One (Melissa’s Note: Oh oh. What am I doing now!!?) has had degrees of perception changes and it has nourished her soul. She has chosen to take a hard look at what isn’t working in her life (her soul) and is choosing (operative word) to do something about it.  That is not to say she is happy about it. Oh no, we can most assuredly tell you she has done her fair share of carping, but she is a warrior and pushes through none the less.  Are you doing the same or are you bemoaning your plight?

We will offer you this; it is always darkest before the storm. Ahhhhh. We see we have caught some of you off guard with our rendition of the old saying. But it is true; it IS always darkest before the storm. Now what “the storm” means is wholly up to you. It can be a super storm that douses everyone that comes within a 50 mile radius or it could be an easy-breezy spring storm that is over as quickly as it began.

There is “big energy” in the atmosphere now. It is pushing for change. We have harped at you before about change. Some of you grow bored with our perseverance but your soul’s evolution is what we are concerned with, not your tactile ego.

What are you doing differently? Are you parting your hair differently? Wearing different glasses? Taking a different route to work? Yes, even something so seemingly easy can make all the difference in the world. Change; it must happen. It needs to happen. It is destined to happen.

We ask that you take a look at what is no longer working in your life. Are you stubbornly holding on to a value, thought or emotion that no longer serves you? If so, ask yourself why. We hear you say, “Because it is comfortable” but how does the Old become uncomfortable and the New become comfortable? Practice. Practice, practice, practice.

If you are unwilling to try, we will still stand beside you but your journey will become rockier. If you are willing to try, even the most imperceptible amount, then your journey becomes easier. If you feel you are lagging behind others, then we will wait for you to catch up. We just need that first step to come from you.

You are not alone. We tell you this 100 million times and yet some of you still believe you ARE alone. We tell you never, not once, not ever. Look to your brother, your sister, your aunts, uncles, friends, enemies. No one is alone. We are all connected and we are all evolving. None of us is free from the trials and tribulations that are happening right now in an effort to let go of the past. You are ALL experiencing some upheaval whether it be mild, moderate or severe. The important thing is that you keep moving. Stagnancy is paralyzing. It uses fear against you when the opposite is true.

Get moving. Keep moving. We will walk the path with you, ALL of you. Start the movement and then keep going, even if only by minuscule amounts.  Just move. MOVE!”

Anxiety

I can’t pinpoint when my anxiety started but I can tell you when I realized something was not right. It was a day in early August when my husband and his employees moved their offices out of our house.

Now you would think that I would be thrilled about that. I mean, we had dreamed of having our house and privacy back for so long. But when I was faced with that reality, something fragile, a tiny thread that was my last connection to logic and rationale, snapped.

The day of the move, we loaded boxes into his pickup. As he backed out of the garage, I felt irrationally frightened. It was as if I was watching the one person who could save me, had been saving me, abandon me. I felt crushed.

When the external garage door closed, my smile faded and my waving hand fell to my side. My face crumpled. My breath caught in my throat and I felt the tears prick and burn my eyes. I took a huge gulp of air and started sobbing. In an effort to find comfort and to try to run away from the problem, I, in the style of my childhood, raced into our bedroom shutting the door on the fly. I threw myself on to our bed, curled up in the fetal position and cried. I was thinking that I should be happy but I clearly was not.

A few months prior to this, I was confronted with a situation that undid months and months of my emotional progress. My husband and I were having an alcohol fueled (tsk, tsk! I know better!) heated discussion about it and I remember saying, “This is too hard. Why does this have to be so fucking hard?! Oh my God! I wish I was dead.”

I want to be crystal clear, dear readers, I was not thinking of suicide as I do not believe in it for spiritual reasons. I also knew I needed to be here and stay healthy for my little girl. The truth is, I just didn’t want to be here anymore, on Earth. If I, say, happened to be in an auto accident, I wouldn’t fight to stay here. The thing is, at that moment, I was in such intense, deep emotional pain and I couldn’t see my way out of it. I just wanted the pain to stop.

Looking back, my outburst was a verbal cry for help. I’m still not sure exactly who the cry was meant to be heard by; me or him. But, in the blink of an eye, the external and internal conversations moved on. Sadly, even that admission wasn’t enough for me to understand how far I had fallen from my true self.

I told one of my besties about my admission and she, professionally trained to look for these signs, questioned me intently about it. I told her what I believed and that was I would NEVER commit suicide. I didn’t believe in it as I knew that I would have to relive every craptastic thing I had gone through in this lifetime again. No. No thank you. Not for all the high-end coffee in Costa Rica. What I didn’t know is that over the next few months my chemical imbalance and emotional health would continue to deteriorate until I barely recognized my emotional self.

1403676644_0988b697a9_m40 million adults in the United States have anxiety[i]. One-third get help. That leaves two-thirds, TWO-THIRDS, that don’t.

What I also ignored or attributed to something else was the physical symptoms. My hands would uncontrollably shake, my mouth would be dry, my heart would race. I even went to the doctor thinking I had high blood pressure. My insomnia worsened, I cried alot and I had the most illogical, neurotic thoughts. I found myself being overly impatient and quick to anger, especially with our daughter. I chalked this up to just being stressed or needing a night or two off from being a momma.

One night in late August my husband came home late, very late. It’s nothing new, in fact, it’s quite normal and it shouldn’t have affected me like it did, but that night I was a train wreck. I was neurotic and imagined all sorts of heinous activities on his part. I was convinced he was doing something nefarious or was dead. I called his phone and had my irrational suspicions confirmed when he didn’t answer. I sent a text to him saying that I was frightened. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I thought it was going to jump out of my chest. A few minutes later he walked through the door.

I raced into his arms, viscerally sobbing in relief. I hugged him like he was my breath. I shook uncontrollably and babbled incoherently through a deluge of tears. He hugged me and said, “Honey. Honey! What is going on? This is not like you. Honey. What is going on?!”  I pulled back and relief-sobbed that I had been imagining all sorts of horrible things happening to him and because of him.  I told him I was so frightened. He continued to hug me and said this wasn’t like me.

I clung to him in our bed that night like I was his second skin. I needed to talk with him about what I was feeling but when…when?  The next morning, after only a few hours (or minutes) of sleep, I completely lost my shit in the shower. I felt completely overwhelmed and paralyzed.  My best friend, the one I confided in whole-heartedly, my forever husband, was someone I was now struggling to speak with.

I exited the shower, robotically dried myself off and burst into tears again. I was miserable. I wrapped the towel loosely around myself and walked, zombie-like, into our bedroom. My husband, just clearing the sleep from his eyes, took one look at me and said, “Oh my God. Honey! What’s wrong!?”

My tears broke free and I sobbed while saying, “I don’t know. I think I’m broken. I need help. Something’s wrong with me. I thought I was doing ok, but after last night and this morning, I know I’m not. I’m having horrible thoughts and my neuroticism is not fair to you. I think I’m suffering from PTSD or anxiety. I need help. I’m going to call my midwife about anxiety medicine and try to find a counselor today. I’m a fucking mess.”

Then I cleared the tears from my eyes, wiped the snot from face with the back of my arm and locked my swollen, blood shot, tired eyes on his. The energy surrounding us became palpable. I took a deep breath and said, “I don’t know what I’m capable of. I don’t think I would ever hurt myself but I’m NOT myself right now. I’m just….broken. Can you either hide the guns or the ammunition immediately, please?” He didn’t question me, he just did as I requested.

I scheduled an appointment with my midwife and found a counselor that morning. My midwife started me on an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. The counselor saw me that week.

I’m a good mix of believing in Eastern and Western medicine. I believe they both have their places in my life. What I was doing with Eastern medicine wasn’t helping so I immediately sought out Western medicine. I also believe that pills are just a band aide and that I have to address the problem, hence the trained counselor.  I previously wrote a blog called “Crazy” that spoke of how powerful the mind was and how it can control your body. My physical anxiety symptoms proved that, yet again, to me.

The medication and counseling have had a vastly positive effect on me. I feel “normal” again,  like the old chemically balanced me. All thoughts of not wanting to be here have vanished. Everything isn’t oppressive and I’ve even caught myself genuinely belly laughing. The first time that happened I thought, “What was THAT?! How long has it been since I’ve laughed this way?”

Like a broken record, I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  Not only did I recognize something had changed in my brain, but I asked for and received help. Have you?


[i] https://www.adaa.org/about-adaa/press-room/facts-statistics

Delete

Since my energetic upgrade a few months ago, I’ve grown very restless with certain things in my life, one of those things being my personal Facebook page. I never have been one to obsessively check FB nor do I care what people are up to that I haven’t associated with in years. I wasn’t one of those who had hundreds of “friends” and I didn’t post my every thought, event or picture. It’s totally cool with me if others do, but I never used social media that way.

Truthfully, the only reason Inner Focus Reiki has a business FB page is because years ago when a friend of mine was helping me get my website up and running, he said I HAD to have a social media presence. I reluctantly gave in and created a business FB page. He questioned me about Twitter and such but I didn’t want anything to do with it (and I still don’t). Social media sort of short circuits me; it feels like being among hordes of last minute Christmas eve mall shoppers.

I’m a very private person and I always have been. It’s how I was raised. I recently realized that my need for additional personal privacy comes at a time when my Work is expanding. The truth is sometimes when people taste my intuitive gifts they want ALL of me. It’s as if I stop being a human and become a commodity. People forget I am also a wife, a mother, a sister, a best friend. They forget I have emotions and that I bleed red when cut. They assume my life is an open book and they are the ravenous, insatiable, greedy readers. I am wholly uncomfortable with that.

I’ve seen how people who publicly use their Intuitive gifts can be idolized, alienated, harassed and even stalked. I don’t want anything to do with that as being a practicing Intuitive is just a fraction of who I am; it does not define me. It’s also one of the reasons I strive to empower my clients as I don’t want people to become dependent upon me or my intuitive knowledge.

My home, my sanctuary, has been a busy work environment for my husband’s work crew for over three years. My sense of space and privacy has been greatly diminished by this. I reached my indignity limit recently when I was in our bedroom, door closed and the cable TV dude walked right in. Didn’t knock, just opened the door and walked right in (our cable box is in the bedroom closet). Uhhhh. HELLO?! What if I had been in my pajamas or (gulp) NOT in my pajamas?!

All of this has led me to feel like I need to declutter and my eyes turned towards my personal FB page. It felt tarnished and of the old. Several acquaintances had left my life and I hadn’t had an honest conversation with – or seen – others in years. There were others whom I stopped wanting to stay in touch with and others who were just ‘Facebook Fabulous’ (Facebook Fake). I no longer wanted that social media connection. It no longer fueled me, on the contrary, it seemed to drain me. I needed to end that chapter and energetically free myself.

Of course I had the “good girl” thoughts of: If I do this, would the deleted parties go all “mean girl” on me? Would the earth still turn? What if….?  Then I realized this wasn’t about them, it was about me (“It’s not you, it’s me”). I needed to be true to myself and get over some residual “what will everyone think” thoughts. Once I realized this, reducing my friend list became so much easier.

I have always been one to maintain professional distance with clients for many reasons. Going through my personal Facebook friends, I found there were several clients whom I didn’t know or associate with outside of Work, nor did I care to. That told me something.

With the desire to keep more of my personal life private, it strikes me as odd that I feel led to become more open and slightly less professional (Egads! That thought almost causes me to break out in hives!) on my business Facebook page.  If it’s my quirkiness, personality, and well “humanness” you want, well then maybe I should do this more publicly? It sounds so counter-intuitive to sequester more of my personal life in one area but open it up in another, much larger, area.

The energy surrounding this feels of the new and yet sort of uncomfortable.  But if you’re used to doing things one way for so long, the new will feel uncomfortable until it becomes, well, comfortable.

 

Flu

fluMy client had scheduled two Intuitive Reiki sessions back to back; one for her and one for her husband, whom I’d not professionally seen before. Her session began like any other but about two thirds of the way through it, an intensely beautiful archangel popped in.

I originally assumed he was there for my client but it turns out, he was there for me. His visage was breathtaking. I don’t even know how to adequately describe his looks.  He was beyond beautiful and my breath caught in my throat.

He was dressed as other archangels have been; no shirt, form fitting black leather-like pants and large black silken wings. His face though, oh my GOD, his face! It was something I could stare at all day long; a thing of great beauty. He had a straight patrician nose, high cheekbones, strong jaw, dark black eyebrows/lashes, riveting sapphire blue eyes and chiseled lips.

His thick, dark black wavy hair fell to his shoulders. His body was lean, powerful and muscular. His left leg was casually bent at the knee and his foot was resting on my wall. His beauty was so intensely stunning, I thought I would cry.

What set him apart from other archangels I’ve seen was his demeanor. He was somewhat impatient like an antsy teenager wanting to leave the company of an adult to be with his friends. His energy was powerful, confident and very, very saucy. This boy oozed animal magnetism and he was fully aware of his charm. Sweet JAYSUS, Lawd ha’ mercy! He was rakishly gorgeous.

I wasn’t expecting an archangel to just pop in during a client’s session. His angelic countenance caused me to take in a sudden whoosh of air and I could feel heat rising to my cheeks; I was blushing. Clearly I was startled and off balance and geez, Louise! a little warning next time?!

But in true Melissa form, I tried to act like I had game instead of a silly little school girl experiencing her first crush on an older man. I was like, “Oh, hey, dude. Hi. What’s up?”  To me, I thought I sounded nonchalant, airy and cool but I know my intuitive voice was high pitched, like I’d gotten caught doing something I didn’t want anyone else to know about. In a way I had, because he could hear everything I was thinking. Busted!

He said, “I’m here to give you an energy upgrade. Are you ready?”  I indignantly blurbled, “Now?! Psssssh. I’m with a client!” I was trying to buy myself some time to think. He didn’t respond but continued to gaze at me (gulp) so I stuttered, “Well, uhh, sure, I guess.” And then I found my strong and steady voice, “As long as it doesn’t negatively affect me or my client. I have another client after her and I have to be able to function. I’m going to trust that this energy is going to help both of them as well as me.”

He smiled again (oh dear GOD, why, WHY did he do that?!) and telepathically assured me this would be gentle. I looked forward again as if thinking about this (I wasn’t, I was just buying some time again) and then nodded my internal head. His perfect 7 foot frame was instantly standing behind me. He placed his large hands on my shoulders and I physically broke out in goose bumps.

Within seconds I heard, “You’ll feel pressure in your head” and before that sentence was fully finished, I felt pressure in my head, like a vice grip.  I physically shook my head trying to clear the pressure but it didn’t help. I heard, “It’ll pass” and sure enough, within seconds the pressure eased as did the shivers.  The whole upgrade was finished in about three minutes but I must say I wasn’t paying attention to the time. I was focusing on my client making sure she was OK with this new energy and she seemed to be resting peacefully.

The archangel didn’t stay around once his part was completed. I felt his hands lift off my shoulders and then he was gone. Well, gee. Was it good for you? Can I call you in the morning?  Humph. Cad. Rake. Rapscallion!

My client’s session ended and her husband’s began. His session was different from the get go. I couldn’t keep my energetic eyes off of him. I had never seen a person that energetically beautiful before.  His aura/energy captivated me and I felt drawn in; I wanted to know all about him.  I giggled and told him just that.  He, being older and very modest, said he didn’t know what he did to deserve this admiration.

When we went into session, my hands remained cold. Usually my hands are heating pad hot but I trusted that this was exactly what he needed.  As our session went on, my hands felt like they were getting even colder. I started shivering and my head had that weird vice grippy thing going on. I turned up the room’s heat.  My client was very warm to the touch but I was ice cold. What the hell?

His session ended and I told him this was the first time my hands remained ice cold during a treatment. He asked what that meant and I said it was neither here nor there, just an observation on my part as that had never happened in all the years I had used Reiki.

I went home that evening with off and on chills. The next day I awoke feeling like there was a fire in my upper chest and my head was being squished by a vice. I raised my eyes to the heavens and said, “If this is gentle, you Guys can kiss my ass!”  By the end of the day my skin hurt, my hair hurt, even my toenails hurt and I was super cranky. I internally said, with much less venom this time as it almost hurt to think, “You Guys! You said this would be gentle. This is NOT gentle. HELP ME!”

It was about then that I drug my carcass from the bed and looked up my symptoms. Was it possible I had the upper respiratory flu? Or WAS this the energy upgrade? I didn’t know and I didn’t hear an answer when I asked but I knew there were no coincidences.

One thing is for sure, I won’t play with fire next year. It’s either the flu shot or if a devilishly handsome archangel shows up wanting to upgrade my energy with promises that it will be gentle, I’ll check for horns and a tail.

Wounds

For so many of us lately, myself included, it feels as if old emotional wounds are being ripped opened and re-exposed. These are wounds we thought we had dealt with and healed. We are, quite frankly, pissed off as all hell about this.

I recently intuited some information about a client’s long dead father and her very much alive best friend. I said, “It looks like old wounds are coming up for you that need to be healed. It’s all coming around for you again. Your bestie is treating you the way your father did.” My client blinked her beautifully wise blue eyes and she said she thought she had dealt with this painful emotional issue.

She then said something so profound that I felt as if I was the student instead of the teacher. Truth be told, this often happens when I work on her. She drew in a breath and said what she had previously dealt with was the back end of her father’s abuse; she hadn’t dealt with it while it was going on. Now, she said, she’s been given the opportunity to deal with the front end of this abuse thanks to her life-long best friend.

Well, what the hell (head scratch). She’s completely right, you know.

I thought I was through with the emotional/psychological abuse I suffered at the mouth of my starter husband. I thought I had worked through the pain of the passive-aggressive and emotional abuse from my family. I thought I had healed the reoccurring betrayal and abandonment issues that seem to weave themselves throughout my life. I thought. I thought. I thought. Turns out, I thought (mostly) wrong.

Based on previous blogs, it’s no secret I firmly believe people enter our lives to help teach us lessons. Some of those lessons can drop us to our knees while others barely cause us to break a sweat. Some of the most powerful lessons we learn are from our parents, our siblings, our children, our spouses and our besties. Those that are closest to us know us the best and they also know our triggers and how to push them. It only makes sense that our families would try to teach us some of the most transformational lessons.

It’s also no secret that I long ago let go of hating someone for the pain they’ve caused me. I just look at things differently now. Hating someone who ultimately tried to help me heal/grow and may have done so at my implicit request, serves no purpose. It’s like hating your stomach for making you fat.

Most of the time I understand the people who cause us pain are here to help us heal and grow but in the effort of full disclosure, I DO hate someone. I hate this person mainly because of how internally ugly they are and the pain this person has consciously and calculatedly inflicted on someone I love. I can’t shake the disgust and repulsion I feel for this small-minded individual.

Sometimes, when I’m in a more spiritual place, I feel sorry for this person and their tiny self-constructed and limited world. At times I remember that this individual is in a ton of pain and has chosen not to heal. They have chosen to lash out because they want attention, good or bad. They are seeking to hurt a certain person because they feel this person is responsible for their pain and thereby owed it. They misguidedly seek to lessen their own internal pain. This lucid and spiritual way of seeing things calms me and helps me see clearly, but with this particular person, that doesn’t last long.

The reality is this person is trying to teach this someone something but they are triggering the momma badger in me and I want to rip them apart in the form of politically correct, but well directed, words. The reason I don’t is it’s not my fight; it’s not my battle. They are not here to teach me something, at least not directly. I’m just a bi-product; a civilian casualty. While I retain the ability to hate, I will not be mean. I will not yell, belittle, debase or verbally/emotionally abuse anyone. Not anymore. I do not and will not do this no matter how much a person gets my goat.

I was raised by a family who were masters at trying to control others by using these tactics. I know all about the intimidating, threatening, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-until-veins-pop-out-of-your-neck yelling. I am NOT that person anymore. Yelling has no place in my life. Yelling is just an attempt to be threatening and to try to intimidate another. Once you’re on to this, yelling is almost a laughable offense. Truth be told, you can stop a red-faced, eyes-bulging yeller with just a whisper and a steady gaze. This is a trick I learned from my girl Charmaine and then refined with the help of Jemma from Sons of Anarchy.

Back to my point; people are here to help teach us lessons. If we can believe and trust in that, then everything, every shitty little thing that happens in our life is aimed at helping us heal and grow. Why would we hate someone, yell at them or speak horribly about them, if their sole (soul) purpose was to help us heal? It sounds silly, right?  And if we are all connected (we are), then hating them is to hate a part of you.

Susie uses the concept of mirroring. What you dislike/like in them is what you dislike/like in you. Let’s go back to this bitter and abusive person for a moment. What are they triggering in me that I need to heal? I, obviously, am having a very strong reaction to their tactics so I may need to examine what I thought I had healed.

If I choose to do this, I may be able to deal with – and heal – these strong emotions at the beginning of their cycle, thereby healing the entire wound.  Maybe I can take a page out of Susie’s book. When life has handed her a giant load of crapsicles it would be easy for her to choose hate and yet she remains neutral and softly says, “I choose love.”

Liminal

The tears started almost as soon as I turned my head away from her. She was a West Fargo bus driver that was going above and beyond. She had stopped her bus in the middle of an unplowed street. I thought this was odd, but given the recent snow and slick roads, I thought she must have stopped where she did as she had slid through the stop sign. I was wrong.

She unfolded the buses “STOP” sign and opened the doors. I assumed there was an older child getting off of the bus. I turned my head back to concentrate on the slippery walking path and kept moving. I then heard her say, in a confident, happy, sing-song voice, “There you go!”

As I swiveled my head, I saw her bent over the littlest of little ones. He was so tiny his hat and jacket seemed to engulf him. She was standing closely behind him. Her hands were gently upon his back, encouraging him, guiding him, supporting him. She was helping him cross the rough, unplowed street. The energy of this simple, courteous, kind act along with the beauty surrounding the protective safeguarding of this tiny little sprout was wondrous.

The physical scene playing out before my eyes caused me to smile. I turned my head forward once again and continued on my walk. I was thinking how amazing it was that I was able to witness this kindness, this glimpse of humanity. But before I had fully taken two steps, I was overcome with emotional pain and my smile faded. I began sobbing in an unstoppable, cathartic kind of way.

 LIMINAL:

  1. of or relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process.
  2. occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.

I had never heard this word prior to Monday. Susie said it about me during our recent Reiki session.  To put it in laymen’s terms, think of “liminal” as the point where you have exhaled but have not yet begun to inhale or when something ends and something else has yet to begin. Liminal.

She intuited that I had sustained a “big hit.” That “hit” was received directly in my emotional heart and it brought me to my knees. I felt raw, exposed, and vulnerable. I was in shock. I had to draw on every bit of emotional healing and spiritual growth I had done over the years just to avoid becoming irrevocably broken.

I cancelled my yoga session for today. I didn’t really know why; I didn’t have a good explanation for Andrea other than I needed to cancel. This started a series of events.  My beloved husband asked me if I was going to be out and about today. I told him no. He mentioned he wanted to check out his land and take pictures. I brushed it off and said I was comfy in my pajamas.

A few minutes later I looked up from cyber-land and glanced out the window. The snow had stopped and the wind was calm. I decided to put on my boots and go for a walk. Walking has always been my choice of mental elixirs and cardio.

I was returning from said walk when the school bus slid to a halt and the scenario began to play out. I found myself thinking that in a world that seems to have gone bat shit crazy for so many of us, there is still hope for mankind. There is still beauty to be seen. There are still random acts of kindness to be witnessed.

This…THIS was the true reason I was led to cancel my yoga session. I know it. I feel it.  A little healing energy/love wrapped up as a bus driver and a littlie. THIS is why the succession of the other non-coincidental events unfolded the way they did. THIS was my liminal, my suspended breath. It’s over now. I’m breathing again and I am looking forward to the something new that is beginning.


NOTE: What emotionally took place isn’t for you to know, at least not now. Someday, I may write about it but for now, I choose to keep it private. Please respect this. I will not answer questions and I do not have it in me to respond to your individual well-wishing, encouraging emails, texts, FB posts and phone messages. If you’d like to send me love spiritually, I’d welcome that. Know that I’ll thank you spiritually, too.

Channeled Message 9.24.15

change

“The time is upon us for great change. Some of you have felt it for months; others are just beginning to feel it. Regardless, it is a time for change.

We have been patient. We have been kind. We have wondered if you were going to make the leap, to go to the next level. Some of you will find this transition as easy as waking up in the morning. Others will not be so lucky.

Look at your neighbor, your cubicle mate, the person who serves your favorite beverage. Look at the street cleaners, the laborers, the President.  Look at the infants, the infirm and the outraged. Look at all of them. Look. At. Them.  They, too, will be going through this marvelous and magnificent Change. You are not alone in this and neither are they.

Some of you will breeze through this and give nary a thought as to what is going on. Others will fair far worse. It is to those that we wish to speak today.

Dear Ones, do not feel unenlightened for we tell you that you have all the answers locked in a safe place deep inside of you. If you are feeling restless, what is it that you need to let go of? What is it that you need to change? If you are feeling overly hostile, what is it that you covet? What is it that you think you don’t already have? Are you seeking inner peace (We think that is such an over rated term), are you seeking divine assistance? Well, then, you must be willing to change.

The World as you know it will cease to exist shortly after dark midnight. A great wind will blow away the stink and the stench and only that which is pure of heart will be left unblemished. You will feel the energy change; the air will feel lighter, more pure somehow, less dense. You will feel less encumbered, like it is easier for you to breathe. We promise ALL of you this.  But for those who are restless, agitated, tired, bored, resentful, we promise you MORE.

To those we promise the release of those hateful and hurtful energies if you will but just take the first step. You may have already done so but it has not materialized on the human plane yet. Just let go. It is as easy as that. Let go.

If you are holding tight to an outdated value or moral code, examine it. How does it fit in with this “new” world?  If you are stubbornly holding your ground, check to see if there is any ground left to hold. If you are angry or aggressive, understand that you are not alone but that these feelings cannot be tolerated where you are (eventually) going. They simply do not exist in this World (Angelic realm).

What is making you angry? Is it being held back? Then let go. Is it being malnourished (spiritually)? Then open up your heart for a feast. Is it being tired? Then know the rest and replenishment you seek is yours for the taking. But you HAVE TO LET GO.

clenched-fistSome of you grip so tightly to antiquated versions of yourself that we cannot understand why you do not see the beauty you are to become. You hold tightly to what you believe, but what if what you believe has all changed? We see we have startled some of you.  Yes, it is true. What you believe, your tenets, ethics, code, morality, may have all changed. Have you bothered to check in with yourself to see what truly matters? Have you bothered to take a ‘pulse check’? If you will, you may see that doing things by rote is making you uncomfortable.

Some of you are being called to do Higher things. This may make you moderately uncomfortable at first, but once you embrace the idea, things will feel as natural as the skin you inhabit.

This One (uhhh…me…oh man…what now…) has made many great changes in her life although they have been subliminal. She has taken a stand, she has used her voice and she has seen her value increase. She is not ego driven so do not mistake what she is doing for that, she is human driven. She longs to serve, to help, to aid. She longs to make a difference in just one life. She is not so different from most of you, correct? So follow her lead, her example. Her light shines brighter than ever now. She has overcome some outdated obstacles and feels freer.  What used to work for her no longer does and we are not just talking about all things spiritual. No, this has also been very physical for her.  It may be for you as well.

We are here. We love you all. Yes, each and every one of you makes a difference, DAILY, in someone’s lives. Embrace this change for if you do not, it may wreck you. We do not wish to appear dire, but we do have your spiritual well-being in the forefront of our mind.

What is not working for you? CHANGE IT!  For if you think we are full of folly, then you will see how miserable the next six months will be.  Walk with us as with us, the wind is blowing in the right direction.

We honor all of you. This change is not easy but it must be done. Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today. What does that mean? Each of you, individually, knows what your heart longs for. Take steps to obtain it.  We wish for you nothing else.  We love your souls.”