Mahalum

She’s been coming to see, off and on, for years. She is an artist, a painter, a writer, a photographer. She earns her living by marketing for a local non-profit. Our Intuitive Reiki sessions are often filled with whimsical colors that she often incorporates into her art.

I love our sessions; she is never demanding and always respectful. She is understanding of my limits and accepts that I don’t have all the answers. She recognizes the worth of Reiki and she delights in my “humanness.”  Our sessions have been nothing short of reverent.

She is, thankfully, the poster child for the norm in my Intuitive Reiki business. I’m writing about her, specifically, because of something that caused my jaw to drop to the floor. I could be writing about any of my clients as I’ve had these moments before. But this one? This one left me shaken in a crikey, Scoob! kind of way.

When she entered my office she said she felt like a bird in a cage. She wanted some direction as to what she should do next. As she was telling me this I heard the word, “book” so when she finished I told her just that. Her hazel eyes misted over, she smiled and her hand went to her upper chest. She said she SO wants to write a book. I tilted my head and smiled a little “well, there you go” smile.

Our session began like any other. As is often the case, the Guys love to pepper her sessions with some inanity. They recently told her not to walk away from an impulse buy or she would regret it. They tell her she’s taking life to seriously; she needs more laughter. They tell her to urge her daughter to reconsider how she’s wearing her hair in her wedding. Yes, seriously.

I chuckle at this stuff, but it’s no secret my angels deal with the spiritual so each one of these seemingly trivial things is designed for my client to grow/heal spiritually. My client gets that and doesn’t dismiss these lighter toned messages.

The energy changed to all business when I quit channeling and began delivering pure Reiki to the top of her head. I heard that this session wasn’t going to be as relaxing as her previous sessions; it would be more intense. I relayed this information to her and as is her usual, she accepted it with grace.

It’s not often anymore that I’m led to telepathically infuse the Reiki symbols during a session but this time I was. Sort of. I began with the first two symbols you learn in Reiki II and then I heard, “Mahalum.”  Whaaa? That’s not a Reiki symbol. What is THAT? Mahalo? Mahalum? I shrugged my shoulders, mentally cleared my mind and tried again. I repeated the two accepted healing symbols and when it was time for me intone the sequential third, I once again heard, “Mahalum.”

Well, what the WHAT?! Mahalum? What IS that? I had no idea but went with it. As is the standard, I repeated the name of the two symbols again and then “Mahalum” was again inserted.  I thought it was just so odd as you don’t muck with the Reiki symbols. Ever. I have great respect for these symbols as they are powerful little things. To just throw a “Mahalum” in there floored me.

After her session ended, I looked up Mahalum in my trusty 1986 dictionary. Hummm… Mahalum. Nope, nothing and that’s normally where I’d leave it. But something was “encouraging” me to look further. I typed, “Mahalum” into my search engine and nothing came up in the drop down box.

I left it at that and talked some more with my client but it was still bugging me. My client said it would come up for her somewhere in some unexpected way. She was fine with that but I picked up my phone again and entered, “Mahalum” and this time I pressed the magnifying glass (search) button and don’t you know, low and behold, there was information on this word. It was in Hindi so I had it translated to English and my eyes, which have spiritually seen so much, become as large as the eyes of an owl.

My jaw hit the floor. I looked at her and then back to the google search results. I read the answer again and then I looked up at her slightly shaking my head in disbelief. I managed to stammer a very unprofessional, “Holy SHIT! You are NOT going to believe this!” before my mouth fell open again. I was having so much trouble coming to grips with what I was reading.

While I was getting my freak out on, she calmly sat leaning forward in her chair and didn’t say a word. She knew I’d get there eventually and no worry crossed her face. She patiently gazed at me as she had a hundred times.

I stammered again, “You, uhhh, you are NOT going to believe this. Ok. Ok” as if I was talking myself into doing something. Yes, that was how astounded I was at what I was reading and how deeply my intuitive abilities sometimes flat out flabbergast me. I looked at her, took a deep breath and said, “Mahalum is Hindi for “to write.”

book

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Forgiveness

Yes, it’s happened again. Just like “Agnostic,” the word “Forgiveness” has been showing up in my life recently. I’ve been hearing it for clients; I see random articles in magazines and just today, something on Facebook. Sigh. I get it. The Guys are gently giving me a message that they feel needs to be addressed.  I know what I need to do.

It wasn’t long ago I was asked by the Powers that Be (aka My Guys/Guardian Angels) to create a channeled meditation on Forgiveness. They wanted us to have a view from their World. The meditation, along with the entire channeled meditation series, was powerful and life changing. Hey, if The Guys are going to come forward and speak about a topic, it’s for the benefit of many.

In the Forgiveness meditation, the Guys start out by saying, “…. Peace starts at home. Forgiveness is the key. We do not harbor hate, anger or even aggression. We harbor love, fulfillment and grace. We embody anger management, wisdom and euphoria.  We do not waste our time on the tiniest of infractions. We do not even give them any more than a glance, a mere glimpse, for to do so would detract from Other’s beauty, therefore detracting from Ours.”

They ask, “If you hate, how do you expect kindness? If you are jealous, how do you expect freedom? If you do not love, how do you expect to be loved?” They go on to tell us the Art of Forgiveness begins within our own heart. They say it was not designed to harbor such animosities or travesties. They say it was built to love and to aid and to be compassionate.

Ahhh…the heart.  Yes, yes.  Each and every time I’m told a client needs to forgive, it’s when I’m working over their heart area. Our heart was not designed to harbor resentment and yet millions of us continue to do so, even if it means literally killing ourselves.

According to an article in Real Simple, scientists agree that holding a serious grudge has a toxic effect on your body. What’s a ‘serious grudge’? Well, according to this article it’s defined as, “repeatedly thinking about an injustice you’ve suffered through a lens of vengeance, hostility, bitterness, resentment, anger, sadness or all of the above.”

Anger poisonSo let’s talk about the physical consequences of keeping such resentment locked inside your ‘heart.’ How about raising your blood pressure? Yep. How about raising your risk of stroke and heart attacks? Again, yes. Those were kind of easy. I mean, if you keep toxins locked inside your ‘heart’, you’re bound to suffer dis-eases of the heart. Leduh. Smarter than a fifth grader.

But did you know you also put yourself at risk of impairing your immune system? Or that your body constantly feels under attack and releases hormones that literally create inflammation? You may be thinking that inflammation is no biggy, but let me educate you. Inflammation is a known cause of arthritis, autoimmune disorders, obesity, fibromyalgia, diabetes, cancer, heart attacks, etc. It really IS a biggy.

What’s more, holding on to deep resentment also appears to aggravate depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorders. I’ve just got to ask: Is it worth it? Is it worth being so gawl dang resentful of someone that you literally work yourself into an early grave?

So how do we deal with this overwhelming resentment? Well, a satisfying revenge is one way. We are actually programmed to want to do this. Back in the day, if we exacted revenge on someone, we were ensuring they wouldn’t be able to be naughty again. Revenge is a natural way of protecting ourselves, but it’s not one that I endorse.

The Guys give another option. They ask that you take a look at a powerful memory. They ask you to really examine it. Does it still cause you pain? If so, then mentally step back a little bit until you’re more comfortable viewing it.  Does stepping back allow you to feel calmer, lighter, better? If not, continue to take steps back until you move so far away from the memory that it no longer holds any power over you. For each of you, this paragraph will mean something different.

forgive yourselfThey state we may feel like we’ll never be free of this harsh and hurtful memory but They assure us we will, IF WE CHOOSE. Uh huh…We don’t have to live with the pain, we can choose to be free of it. That’s not saying we’ll forget, it’s just saying we’ll forgive.

How will you know when forgiveness has begun? Well, according to one article contributor, she say’s, “You will know when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”  I agree wholeHEARTEDLY (Oh man! I slid that right in there! Did you see how I did that?! How perfect was that?!!).

To evolve and grow, one must let go of pain. It simply does not exist where we are ultimately headed. If you choose to continue nurturing the pain, there’s a good chance you’ll get ‘there’ quicker than those of us who have allowed forgiveness to reside within our hearts.

Abuse

Last night I was privileged to sit in on the last session of an 8-week Wellness program. I wasn’t expecting the reaction I had. When the group was asked what progress they had made, one beautiful fighter said, “I’ve lost 190 pounds. This morning, after years and years of trying and struggling, I asked my husband to leave.”  Gahhhh.   It wasn’t her words that got me; it was the energy coming from her. It was the fact she was finding herself again and had the courage to start taking back her own Power. It awoke some pretty powerful personal memories for me.

Two other women shared their stories and I had similar responses to them as well.  Then I focused on the moderator. I know her personally and professionally and I know what she’s had to overcome. The fact that she was taking a piece of coal and turning it into a diamond by supporting, encouraging and empowering these women, moved me to tears again.

Super. I’m there to do a meditation and I’ve teared up four times already. In 15 minutes. How professional!   But, I do have a blog forming in my mind on crying so I’ll save my thoughts on that until later.

Whenever an emotion hits me so strongly, I’ve learned I need to examine what it’s triggering inside of me. This one was rather easy. I did survive an abusive marriage. I did find the courage to walk away. I did find the strength to examine my part in the abuse and the death of what I now call my ‘starter’ marriage.

Let me take you a little deeper into my old life. I won’t go too far as the pain is, even now over a decade later, still achy.

I married for life and I loved the beautiful man I’d married, when he was sober. When he was drunk, he became a man that scared me. I used to call it the ‘Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde’ syndrome. Again, this man was larger than life to me when he was sober but when he wasn’t? I was afraid of his temper and the man he would morph into.

Was he like this when we dated? Yes and no. We both drank a lot. I just thought he’d ‘outgrow’ the drinking part once we were married.  My thought about his drinking was this: going to the bar is a social thing you do when you’re single and looking. I thought once we were married there wouldn’t be so many nights spent at the bar and more nights spent at home.

Well, I was half right. I spent more (lonely) nights at home and he spent more nights at the bar.

Yes, we went to counseling and while that was a disaster for us as a couple, it did help me personally.

A one point, probably one of the lowest points, I remember sitting on our stairs thinking, “I’m either going to kill myself or I’ve got to leave this marriage.” I wasn’t sure which would be easier or which one I would choose. I didn’t believe in suicide but…. When you are being mentally/emotionally abused, your self-worth/self-esteems goes right into the crapper. You start to believe what you’re being told (‘you’re the reason I drink so much’ or ‘if you wouldn’t have said that, I wouldn’t have drank so much.’). The person you were slowly fades to a mere shadow of your former self.

I tried to find ways to cope. Those ways usually involved alcohol, trusted friends and avoidance. I blamed him for everything when in reality I held an equal share of the blame. I didn’t discover this aspect until years later when I had forgiven him and myself for so many horrible things.

Back then I wasn’t spiritual. Not at all. I didn’t even know I was intuitive or I had the support of God. I felt all alone, as most abused women do. My mom was gone and my family was not a huge source of support for me.

One night after a particularily horrible fight, I curled up in a tight, protective ball in the corner of our walk-in closet. All the doors were shut and if they could be, they were locked. I was so damn afraid. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. Counseling later taught me you NEVER engage a person who has been drinking. NEVER. But I didn’t know that then.

I called my sister who, being 18 years older than me, had literally helped raise me. My mom was sick most of my childhood and teenage years so my sister stepped in even though she was a state away and raising her own family. I trusted her. I needed her. I relied on her. She was, essentially, my second mom. Unfortunately, this conversation did not go well.  Or maybe it did, depending on how you look at it.  I had made the call when I couldn’t get a hold of myself. When I apologized for calling, she responded, “Well, Mom’s gone now and I guess this shit falls on my shoulders.”

Whaaaa? I’m bleeding out here and that’s what you say?! I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Hard. But that little sentence was the catalyst that started the change within me. And change me it did, deeply and profoundly. Something (fear maybe?) started to die inside of me and something that felt cold (determination, maybe?) was replacing it.  I wasn’t angry with my sister and the cold feeling had nothing to do with her. Even back then I could recognize that this was all about me. It was as if, after all my life of depending on others to take care of me, I stopped being the child and became the adult in that instant.  Or if you’d like to look at it a different way, I stopped being the victim and started being the survivor.

I don’t believe in coincidences. My sister, saying what she did WHEN she did, was divinely inspired. I didn’t think so at the time, but looking back, that ‘tough love’ sentence was exactly what I needed. To this day, I believe that was the turning point for me to start taking back my power and getting control of my life.

And with that, my friends….you’ll need to wait until the next blog entitled, “Abuses.” Awww…I know, I know. But, as my friend Ganesh says, “I’m not worried about a happy or sad ending…it’s the story leading up to it.”  😉

Signs

We do a lot of spiritual/intuitive work on an unconscious level, especially when we’re sleeping. When we sleep, we are very open to hearing messages from our Guardian Angels. Our “Guys” (a pet name Susie used and now I use) want to be able to communicate with us while we’re conscious, too.    

I’m reminded of two stories friends have shared with me.  One friend really struggled with her spouse’s hurtful decisions throughout their long marriage. They had gone the usual routes to save their marriage, however, her husband’s damaging choices continued. She prayed to God daily (hourly?!).  One night she woke, sat straight up in bed and had an epiphany. She had one single thought echoing in her mind.  My friend, who is not so much spiritual as she is deeply religious, listened. She KNEW what she heard was true, as it deeply resonated with her. She felt like it was the answer to her prayers. She and her husband divorced and she found (and later married) her true soul mate. 

The other friend had lost her beloved mother.  She was grieving and wanted to know if her mom was still around her.  She asked for a very specific physical sign; she wanted to see a bumblebee.  Not a problem in the summer, but this was February, in North Dakota.  Low and behold, one frosty morning she opened her bathroom window and a bumblebee flew in. I kid you not. True story. 

The signs may come as a single event, recurring numbers, songs or even names.  There’s really no limit to what can be taken as a sign.  My first numerical sign was the number three.  I was seeing threes EVERYWHERE at random times and odd ways.  I’d see an infomercial whose phone number would contain 333.  I’d glance at a highway marker – 333. My odometer would show 333 or my fuel economy would be 33.3.  License plates showed me 333 and I’d often wake; you guessed it, at 3:33.  

At the time, this spiritual stuff was new to me.  I didn’t know these were signs of communication; I just thought it was really odd. Then the repetitive songs started.  The first song I remember repeatedly hearing was U2’s, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” I was single at the time and after I caught on I would groan, roll my eyes and say, “Real funny, Guys! Duh!” 

Later, a new song replaced U2’s.  It was “The Last Worthless Evening” by Don Henley.  I’d giggle as I’d figured out the message behind the number three. It meant, I hoped, The One (as in, “He’s The One”) was finally returning to me. 

Are you ready to know the correlation between the signs? It’s a doozey!!  Ahem. Quiet please! The man who re-entered my life and became my One, has a beautiful first name that literally means, “State of being threefold; three closely related persons or things; Father, Son and Holy Spirit as three persons.” Blink. Blink. BLINK. 

Admittedly, that one was a showstopper for me. Prior to that, my logical and highly analytical mind was really slow on the uptake.  Sure, I’d ask for signs.  I’d ask to hear a particular song and then when I’d hear it, I’d ask for further proof. If I received additional proof, I’d ask for even MORE proof! Jeez! Yes, I was one of ‘those.’ I tested my Guys patience to the point of their exhaustion (and that takes a LOT as they have infinite patience!). At one point, My Guys became so perplexed with my constant neediness they said, “Do you think all we have to do is send you signs?!”  😉  

Keep in mind I didn’t always see the signs I’d asked for, but that was an answer as well. Eventually I learned to say, “If this is going to happen, show me xxx. If it isn’t, show me xxx.” And then I’d try really hard to shut my telepathic trap and be satisfied with the response. 

The lesson for me was to learn to trust in what I couldn’t physically see, touch, feel, smell or hear. I don’t know why this concept was so difficult other than I was highly analytical at the time. I was well into my Reiki training in which Susie had taught us you couldn’t see, smell, hear, touch or feel air, but you knew it existed.    

Through the years I’ve had fun looking up the meaning of numbers I repeatedly see (‘Angel Numbers’ by Doreen Virtue). I smile at how appropriate their translations are. It’s a fun, playful way to open the communication channels with your Guys. Try it!  I have it on good authority They get REALLY excited when a new communication channel is established. 😉