Hurry

When I walk my daughter to daycare, we cross a busy 4-way residential intersection that is controlled by stop signs.  I’m amazed that some people can’t wait seven seconds (yes, you know me, I timed it!) for us to cross and yet others are so respectful they’ll stop a car’s length away. Some smile while others just look inconvenienced.  A few others keep their faces averted as if saying, “If I can’t see you, you’re not there” and roll through the stop sign.

But I’m not judging. GOD no, because I’ve done all of this, too.

Last year, I was approaching this busy intersection and I noticed a wee lil’ guy walking to the end of his driveway and then back up to his garage.  As we passed I said, “Hi!” and he ran to the garage, looked back and said to me, “I’m waiting for my daddy.”  I scanned the area and didn’t see anyone, not even a guardian. I kept walking but something didn’t feel right.  My ‘spidey sense’ was tingling.  I looked over my shoulder. No adult in sight and the sweet little guy (maybe 3?) was at the end of the driveway again.  I kept walking; after all, I had to get my daughter to daycare.  But something stopped me and I turned around and crossed that dang busy intersection again.

As I approached, he ran to his garage and looked at me with a side long glance. I said, “Honey. Is your daddy coming?” And he said yes. Then I asked where his mommy was and he shrugged his shoulders.  Ok, in for a penny in for a pound.  I, with my new born in her stroller, began walking up his driveway. I asked him if we should go look for his mommy together.  His face split into a huge, relieved smile and he said yes.  At that point he was no longer leery of me but giddily ran ahead of me while excitedly asking me about my baby.

We reached his front door and I noticed that it was open a bit as if this precocious pre-schooler had let himself out.  I rang the bell and soon mommy came to the door. She was trying to take the situation in when I said, “I found this little guy at the end of the driveway. He said he was waiting for his daddy.”

She blinked and instinctively looked towards the busy road. I could tell by her wide eyes that she was calculating what could have happened. She instantly dropped to her knees, embraced her son, cradling him and saying his name over and over and over again.  She looked up at me with eyes that were so full of thankfulness that the memory brings tears to my eyes two years later. She thanked me and I reddened and sputtered, “Oh, you’re welcome. I have a wee one, too and I would want someone to do the same thing if she pulled a Houdini.”

As I was leaving the drive way, I heard her call out, ‘THANK YOU’ once more.

Now, this whole intervening thingy was very out of character for me. I have been trained to keep my nose out of other people’s business. I most often assume that someone is taking care of the situation and everything will be fine without me being a budinsky.

Another ‘budinsky’ incident happened on an unusually warm January day. Trinity, our 2 month old and I were out for a walk and we noticed two little girls (2 and 4 maybe?) were knocking on a home’s door.  The youngest was naked from waist down and was carrying her dolly. The older one was clothed, wearing a light jacket but no shoes. Trinity and I were confused by this but assumed they were at their own home and the parent’s had this under control. We continued walking as I wanted to get home (read: in a rush). But bless Trinity’s not-in-a-rush intuitive heart, he sensed something was wrong and stopped dead in his tracks. I remember him saying, “This is not right. I have to do something.”

A long story short, this wasn’t their home. The oldest child told us their mommy was napping and she thought she knew how to get back to her house. She was a beautiful child who didn’t show any fear and already had a lot of maturity.

After wrapping the half-naked little girl in my coat and an extra blanket of our daughters, I picked her up and we started walking. She was as beautiful as her sister and so innocently sweet. I remember that she smelled of Vaseline and fit nicely in my arms.

When the oldest little girl said, “This is my house!” we rang the doorbell twice and a disheveled and bleary-eyed young mom came to the door. She, too, was trying to assess the situation when Trinity asked, “Are these your girls? We found them 5 houses down.”  I watched the emotions cross her face. First there was confusion, followed by acknowledgement and then understanding of what may have happened.  Then, her understanding turned to anger, not at us but at her two little innocent girls.  She started to chastise them when my husband stepped in and calmly said, “No. No. Please don’t be angry with them or yell at them. This isn’t their fault. Maybe just install a lock on the door?”

We left feeling proud of ourselves for stepping in and helping those two little girls. But I kept wondering, WHAT IF?! What if I/we didn’t stop? What if we minded our own business and assumed everything was fine?? The whole thing bothered me so much that I talked with Susie about it.

Susie, being Susie, said, “People react differently when they are in a hurry versus when they aren’t. It’s human nature. If you perceive you are not rushed, you will feel as if you have the time to help. If you are rushing, you will feel you don’t have time to deal with it.”

Yes. Yes.  That makes sense, right?

So now I think of those drivers who are in a rush to get to their destination and feel frustration with the mere seven second delay I’m causing by using the cross-walk. What are THEY missing? What am I missing when I’m in a rush?

Then I think about the ones who aren’t in a rush. Those who can wait the seven seconds. Those that stop and help a child. Those people, like me, may be rewarded by glimpsing a little chubby hand waving to them, a wide, brilliant smile on an innocent face or perhaps, a direct, big blue-eyed gaze that could melt hearts.

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Giving

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My girl, Karla Winandy of Bell State Bank, asked my husband and me if we would like to give away $1000 of Bell State Bank’s Pay It Forward money.  For those of you who know us, we often do random acts of kindnesses. They range from leaving a generous tip, to buying someone else’s coffee/meal to reducing the price or not charging for our professional services.  We aren’t looking for thanks. We’re looking for the feeling…the high we get by doing these little, seemingly insignificant random acts of kindnesses.

Karla remembered the “Mother’s Day” story the Fargo Forum ran last year about Trinity and our daughter handing out flowers to moms who were unluckily/luckily grocery shopping on Mother’s Day. She thought Trinity and I “would be the perfect recipients” and that we’d “do something truly heartfelt.”

I was overjoyed to be given this honor.  And of course, I really wanted to find a good cause for this money.  I didn’t want it to go to a well known or large non-profit or charity, I wanted something smaller, something local, something within our community.

My first selection came easily and was somewhat a no-brainer. I chose the NOW Project which is a charity that has a chapter right here in Fargo.  My girl, Mariah Prussia, told me The NOW Project is a world-wide non-profit organization that is designed to prevent, empower, protect and restore the health and well-being of all women and children. 

This organization teaches women/children how to fight an attacker by teaching them warning signals (verbal and non-verbal), how to engage in combat that may save their lives (several scenarios are taught) and how to deal with verbal/emotional abuse.   Mariah said she is working with the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center, NDSU and local schools to bring this curriculum to them.

I’ve had female clients who have been sexually harassed in the workplace and they didn’t have any idea how to deal with it. I am a survivor of emotional/verbal abuse and a large part of my Work is to empower others, soooooo you can see why this one was an easy choice for me.

The second selection had me scouring the internet for local non-profits/charities that dealt with infants/children’s needs (diapers, blankets, books, clothing, milk).  Nothing fit. Nothing was clicking. I’d let it rest and then search some more.  Nothing. 

Then, as I was leaving a local grocery store earlier this week, it ‘hit’ me like a ton of bricks who the rest of the money should go to. I literally rolled my eyes and said, “DOI!” It was right there all along, I just couldn’t see it.

The second recipient is a mom and grandmother whom, over the span of several months, took good, watchful care of our newborn daughter. She allowed this new momma to feel confident we made the right decision to entrust our precious cargo to a local daycare. Even after Ceta had transitioned to another room, and then another, DeeAnn would check in on Ceta and visit with us.

DeeAnn’s husband was in a car accident around Christmas 2013 where he sustained a debilitating brain injury.  Surgeons removed a portion of his brain dealing with memory and because of this he needs 24-hour care. DeeAnn took a leave of absence from her beloved newborns and became a full-time care taker for her husband.  I can only guess at the emotional and financial strain this has placed on her and her family. Because of the kindness she showed to this exhausted first-time momma and the devotion she shows to her ‘babies’ and her family, we chose DeeAnn as our second recipient.

A huge THANK YOU to Bell State Bank for offering this program, to the Fargo Forum for running the story about Trinity giving away flowers, to Karla for remembering the story and thinking of us to Mariah for overcoming her own emotional obstacles to bring The Now Project to Fargo to DeeAnn for being DeeAnn.  I could go on, but I’m hoping you get the picture of how interconnected we REALLY are (insert sly smile here).

A fortune cookie saying.

 

Channeled Message – January 2014

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(Melissa’s note: I’ve been hearing this for a few clients lately and the Guys wanted to expand upon it. Fair warning: They get a bit feisty.)

“We wish to expand upon what we have been asking this Little One to relay during several of her intuitive sessions recently. We have asked her to tell each client we deem needs to hear it that when they speak harshly to themselves, they speak harshly to the entire universe.

We further simplify for each client by saying, “If you berate yourself, you berate your mother, your father, your daughter, your brother. You berate ALL THOSE YOU LOVE” for, in our eyes, you are all energy and what you think about yourself, you think about your neighbor.  It’s an interesting concept, is it not? We think so.

We’d like for you to ponder the ramifications and effects of that last sentence. We wish to repeat: “What you say to yourself, negative or positive, you say to the entire earthly population.” We see some of you raise your hand to your lips and your eyes go wide.  Our words have hit their mark. You understand that to treat yourself harshly is to treat all those that you love harshly. It just cannot be done. In truth, it should never be done. Ever.

You humans were not put on this earth to find fault with yourself. Never. Not once was that in the grand scheme. But you compare and justify and abuse just the same.  The one you choose to turn your malice upon is yourself, your sweet, gentle inner soul.

We tell you strongly it must stop. You are breeding putridity and hate and it’s not something we will tolerate for much longer. What can we do? Some of you have no idea what we are capable of and while threats are not our game, we bring with us promises. Continue to abuse yourself and you will suffer the consequences. It just is. It is the way it must be.

We can barely tolerate the self-abuse you humans heap, undeservingly so, upon your shoulders. We urge you to examine the intent behind your harpings. What is it you think you’re missing? What is it you think you deserve? Above all, we urge you to examine why it is acceptable to most of you to be abusive towards the entire race.

There is new energy coming in. It is powerful and strong and it will blast out most, if not all, of that which is no longer resonate. In order to make your journey into and through this upcoming energy expansion, we URGE you to try and let go some of the negative self-talk that comes so easily to you. We urge you with the highest degree of love.  For your journey into the Expansion will be tumultuous and troublesome if you still cling to the old, standard ways of doing things. We wish for it to be an easy, even breezy if you will, transformation.

What will you do with this information? We hope you use it to your greatest advantage for we have aeons of love for you all. Infinite love that will never expire or lose its luster. Please, we almost beg of you, stop belittling yourselves. It does your entire race a huge disservice.

We wish to thank this One (me), for patiently transcribing our words. She knows the importance of these messages although it’s not always easy for her to grasp what we are saying or where we are coming from. She is a warrior fighting the good fight. We salute her and all that she is trying to do. She is but one and you are many. Band together, bond and rise up. It is almost time to show the world your glory. Do not fear you will not ‘be enough’ for we tell you, you are already enough.”

Holidays

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Years ago, in 1999 to be exact, celebrating the Holidays lost its luster (yes, pun intended) for me. In September of that year, my mom died. When the holiday season rolled around just two months later, I was mired in grief so palpable it felt like my heart was being squished. I would burst into tears at the smallest of things. Then it started; the seasonal well-wishers who didn’t have any idea of what was going on inside of me or that I was mourning the loss of not only my mother, but a way of life.  

1999 was a big year for me. When my mom unexpectedly died, I realized how deeply unhappy I was in my (starter) marriage.  I realized how quickly things can change and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage that was harmful and hurtful. I also realized that my excitement for the Holidays was irrevocably tarnished. It felt like I was seeing everything in monochromatic colors instead of the bright, festive colors that once were. It felt like, if you’ll forgive my indulgence, I had just discovered after years and years of believing in Santa, that it was all a cruel lie.

Now, I was never one to go overboard on Christmas both in the gift giving and decorating aspect. In fact, in all the years I was single, I never put up a Christmas tree. Not once. Why bother? I wasn’t here for Christmas; I was with my family at their home(s). I would tire of people saying, “Did you put up your tree?” and having to justify why I hadn’t and wouldn’t. You wouldn’t believe the comments or the incredulous looks I received for this simple act of not conforming.  You would have thought I told people I worshiped the devil. I’m not kidding. This still happens today, but I no longer feel the need to justify my actions.

The question, “Do you have all your Christmas presents bought?” is asked by well-meaning individuals and I get the reasoning behind it as it’s top bragging rights if you have. But for me, I feel like it’s no one else’s business, even though I know they are just making small talk. When I reply, “I don’t buy gifts” I’m given the look.  You know the one; wider, slightly disbelieving eyes, mouth agape and head cocked to the side. You can almost hear people wondering if they’ve heard me correctly. You’d think not buying gifts was a sacrilege!

It was around the time of my divorce that I started to feel empowered enough to stop the rat race of gift giving, too. Those changes were occurring because of my girl Charmaine telling me her thoughts on how she was trying to live her life (see my Networking blog) and me trying to apply those thoughts to my life. Well, it was that and the fact I was once again in mourning (loss of my marriage) and I physically didn’t have the finances to buy gifts.

It was incredibly liberating (although scary to go against the norm) to let my relatives/friends know I wouldn’t be giving gifts. In reality, some even took a page from my book and pared down their lists. You see, I subscribe to the theory of giving gifts all year long. Those gifts, whether they are random acts of kindnesses, a large gratuity or a physical gift, mean more to me and feel real versus the banal, stress-filled experience of buying/wrapping/giving Christmas gifts.

Oh yes. Long ago, through my own experiences (aren’t those the best ways to learn?), I realized not everyone is festive and excited for the Holiday season. I realized there were others who were grieving a loss of a job, a death or the demise of a relationship. I understood then that there were others, still, who were struggling with anxiety, depression or even abuse.

Prior to 1999, I was one of those who would end a conversation with, “Merry Christmas!” or “Have a happy Thanksgiving.”  Now you’ll not hear me utter those words unless you have said them to me.  As a side note, you also will not hear me wish you a happy Valentine’s Day as I was lonely for far too many of them, some even while I was married.

I’m deeply aware, both through personal experience and my Work, that others are in emotional pain during a season where merriment rules.  So for me, if I don’t wish you a season’s greeting, it’s not because I’m being unpleasant or have lost my ability to make polite small talk. It’s because I’m trying to honor those who own their grief during a season where grief is not acknowledged.  

But before you think I’m all Ebenezer Scrooge, I’ve noticed that since having a baby, my monochromatic vision now has a hint of color. Maybe it’s because I anticipate the excitement and wonderment she’s going to experience. Maybe it’s because I get to experience them with her. Either way, it’s no longer black and white for me but I still won’t be asking if you’ve got your shopping done or put up a tree.

Student

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“What’s your problem!? You should be able to figure this out. You’re not a child, you’re an adult. Figure it out!” If I had a dime, no a penny, for every time I’ve thought something like this about myself, I’d be able to retire. Seriously (eye roll).

What am I talking about? Glad you asked. I was going to tell you anyway, but I’m glad you asked. The other day I was working on a client who has been battling a long standing issue. When I was over her heart area, I ‘heard’ her say, “You’re so stupid. You should be able to figure this out. You’re highly educated and yet you still can’t get a handle on this.”  My mouth dropped open and I asked her if this was true. She said it was.

I don’t know what surprised me more; her intuitive information or the fact that I do the same thing! Maybe it startled me because well, it was her. She’s a highly educated and accomplished woman who teaches at the collegiate level.  Maybe it was because of this exact thing, her with her vast education and me with my limited one, which allowed me to realize we are mentally doing the same harmful thing.

I received some life changing intuitive information after those thoughts left my mind. I was told she needed to treat herself like the student, not the teacher. Awwwww. Yes… that makes perfect sense and I listened to those wise words as well.

We talked about how when we reach a certain age, we think we should have the answers to why we do or don’t do certain things. We talked about how we belittle ourselves when we can’t arrive at an answer.  We also talked about how we would never speak harshly to ourselves for not knowing how to perform, say, brain surgery if we weren’t a brain surgeon. And yet, for things we deem we should know the solution to, we berate and chide ourselves constantly.  

The Guys had a valid point (yes, I’ll give you that one Guys) when they said, ‘become the student.’ When we want to learn about a particular subject, we try and find teachers to help us. Those teachers could be at the academic level, Google level or even the spiritual level. But in matters that deal with ourselves, instead of seeking a teacher we use harmful negative self-talk.

There are so many flaws with this line of thinking. I mean, you wouldn’t try to improve your knowledge with a verbal beat down, would you? Uhhh, the answer is ‘no’ in case you’re still thinking about this. No! You’d find the answers. So it makes me wonder; at what point do we feel we are omnipotent about our own lives? When do we consider ourselves adults and feel we should know everything about ourselves in order to solve our sometimes life-long dilemmas?

How about the next time you catch yourself being internally harsh about a problem you think you should have the answers to, you change your response.  Maybe you say, “I don’t have the answers but I’ll try to find someone who does.”  Wouldn’t that feel more empowering than snapping, “Grow up. You’re not a child! Figure it OUT.”  And the answer is ‘yes’ for those of you still thinking about this.

In life, we don’t stop learning. Putting unrealistic expectations on yourself about what knowledge you should have once you become an ‘adult’ only opens the door for negative, abusive self-talk. After all, we don’t reach a certain magical age and know it all about ourselves. We still – and always will be – students who need teachers.

Lost

When I was a little girl, maybe 7 or 8, I became very lost. I had gone to a neighborhood not far from my own but one that was foreign to me. I went walking with a friend and we got into an argument and she stormed off. I was to mad to follow her. Puhhh. I didn’t need her. I could find my own way home. So I ended up wandered around hilly streets until I became tired, hungry and frightened. 

I had walked by a house, at least once, that had a beautiful weeping willow in the front yard. I remembered that house, in particular, because we had a weeping willow in our backyard. On my second (or third) pass, I decided I couldn’t keep wandering around so I sat beneath the branches of the beautiful tree in hopes someone would find ME.  Why I ultimately chose that house or that tree wasn’t consciously known to me. But as you all know, I preach there are no coincidences.

As I sat with my chin resting on my knees and my arms wrapped tightly around my legs, I cried and wished for my mom. The house’s garage door opened and a car pulled in. A tall, middle aged woman got out and slowly walked toward me. She had kind eyes and instead of standing to her full height, she bent down as she approached.  When she reached me, she knelt next to my little, tightly curled up body and said, “Honey. Are you lost?” She was so caring and so maternal and I felt so relieved that someone had found me that I started bawling even harder. All I could do was nod my head. 

She asked if I wanted to call my mom or dad. Did I know my mommy or daddy’s number?  Yes. I did. She brought me inside and made me hot cocoa while she (or I?) called my mom.  She had an easy, flowing way of helping me become calm. She chatted with me (not to me, there is a difference) as if I was an old friend who had stopped in for a visit.  

I don’t remember much more of the experience except getting into the back seat of my dad’s car and wondering if he was going to yell at me for getting lost, for going into a stranger’s home or for interrupting his work day.  He did not yell and he did not berate. What he did was asked if I was OK. For my rather unemotional dad, this meant the world to me and it helped me feel safe.

As we topped a hill, I caught my bearings and knew where we were. I felt silly because I was so close to home and yet didn’t know it. But that experience began a lifelong fear of becoming lost.

As a young adult and well into my adulthood, I would suffer from anxiety when I needed to be somewhere I’d never been before.  This was well before the days of GPS or even MapQuest.  This was when you actually had to go to a brick and mortar library if you wanted information on a particular subject. The internet hadn’t been created and cell phones were still a glint in someone’s eye.

Keep in mind I traveled for a living when I worked in banking. I traveled all over the vast, great state of North Dakota and each time I faced a new address, I would get my mini-freak out on.  I would arrive at my destinations ridiculously early so I didn’t arrive late. My thoughts were this: if I became lost I would have time to figure it out before I was late. Being late was (and is!) incredibly distasteful to me.

When I was in counseling, we worked on this powerful memory. Some 13 years later, I’m still working on it. With the invention of GPS, etc., I feel more in control but I am still glued to the little computer voice that tells me when to turn and that my address will be on the right.  I still plan my route before I leave the house and I make sure I have some wiggle room in the time area.  I often joke that I am ‘directionally challenged’ and more often than not, I hear others say, “Me too!” 

I’d like to put the finishing touch on the story I began earlier. Not long after my lost  incident happened, my Brownie den leader quit and I was reassigned to another troop.  As fate would have it, the woman who found me, the woman who owned the house with the beautiful weeping willow, was my new den leader. Yep. Seriously. 

Putting this story on paper has helped me recognize that there has never been a time when becoming lost (physically, emotionally or spiritually) didn’t turn into finding my way. The countless fearful scenarios I’ve created in my mind over the years have never come to life, not once.

With or without consciously knowing it, we all come equipped with a roadside (uhhh, heaven side?) assistance plan. It doesn’t matter if we feel we are on the wrong spiritual, physical or emotional path. There is always guidance available to you, whether it is a physical person, an Ascended Being or an intuitive feeling.

Remember: If you feel lost, maybe you’re just one hill from being home, too.

Networking

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The word “networking” has been coming up for me a lot this past month. Up until last week, I had shunned all attempts by strangers or casual acquaintances to meet for coffee. I did this for a few reasons. One is my days off are precious, full of errands and me time. I guard them like a momma honey badger. The second is I like to keep boundaries between my professional and personal life. Lastly, it hasn’t felt right and I couldn’t see a reason for doing it.  So when I received her email asking me if I’d like to have coffee, surprisingly, I didn’t hesitate. I immediately said, “Let’s do it!”

Several years ago my very wise bestie Charmaine said something to me that altered my life.  As we were sipping adult beverages by the shore of her parent’s lake cabin, we were talking about commitments. I was recently divorced and still very new to knowing about this spiritual growth stuff. She said, “Here’s how I try to live my life (I think she was all of 25 at the time). I examine each request I receive. If I immediately know I want (not should or need) to do it, I commit on the spot. If it has merit but I’m not sure, I’ll think about it and tell the person I need more time. If it doesn’t feel right or if it’s not for me, I’ll decline the invitation. Where it gets tricky is when I feel I should do such and such but my heart isn’t in it. Even with that kind of stuff, I sit with it for a while and if it feels like a chore, I won’t do it.”

I’m taking some creative license with my memory. I think, in truth, Charmaine said something like, “I won’t do something because it is socially expected of me. I don’t care if it’s a family, work or social obligation. If it feels wrong, I won’t accept the request even if my family feels I’m letting them down.”

Some time ago I wrote a blog entitled, “No” where I talked about my reaction to trying to get out of things I’d committed to but didn’t really want to do. Does praying for a natural disaster sound familiar to anyone? Uh huh. I thought so.

Over the course of the years I’ve learned how to sit with stuff and if it doesn’t feel right, I won’t commit. So let’s get back to the coffee date.  Maybe I agreed because I read energy for a living and I knew her energy was not manipulative. She didn’t want something from me and there wasn’t an ulterior motive. She was open and honest and very complimentary about my blogs (oooh yes, pet my ego..purrr….purrrrr…meeYOWWW). She’s also a fabulous woman who, at almost 40 (yes, I received permission to publish her age), is coming into her own by making decisions that may not win the popularity vote with family or friends, but they feel right to her.

We talked about our lives and loves and about ¾ of the way through our chat, I discovered I had ordered a caffeinated beverage and was talking faster than an auctioneer. Truly. And I, by nature and geographic location, am already a fast talker. I heard my voice becoming even more Alvin and the Chipmunk-like and I stopped mid-sentence, took a breath, leveled a gaze at her and said, “Shit. My coffee is caffeinated.”

I’m telling you this because even then I felt completely at ease. Maybe it’s being in my late forties. Maybe it was her energy. Maybe it was mine. I don’t know. I was comfortable with who I was and who I had become. I wasn’t worried about pepper in my teeth or the fact that I didn’t do my hair. I wasn’t concerned I wouldn’t know what to say or how to act or that I’d be judged for my choice of careers. I wasn’t worried about coming off as professional or (God FORBID) unprofessional. I was just being me and I was having fun.

It was a turning point for me and I will be forever grateful to Marilyn for conquering one of her fears by stepping out on the skinny branch (as she termed it) and asking me out for coffee. It helped me realize I no longer need to put on a public persona or act a certain way (old issue). It felt really good to make a new friend and to awaken a new healing awareness within myself.

It also felt really good to be able to share our knowledge in ways that mutually benefited us.  That, my friends, is the type of networking I’ll do all day long as it feels less like a chore and more like an extension of the Work I do while I’m in session.

(Side Note: If any of you know a Networking group you think would be able to handle me, ooops, – cough – I mean I would enjoy and be able to make valuable contributions to, please let me know.)

Fate (part II)

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Susie, whom I often call my aloe vera plant, calmed me down and helped me see things with spiritual eyes. She reassured me that I’d be ok and that I didn’t want Trinity as he was. She said he wouldn’t and couldn’t be the man I needed him to be and he wouldn’t be the man he wanted to be if he didn’t tie up some loose ends.  She went on to say this was really a good thing as it looked like Trinity was trying to heal some old wounds. She also said she admired Trinity for tackling this and working through it. She felt Trinity might have been scared by his feelings for me and he was trying to outrun them. Yeah, I get that.

Those words, the choice of words, calmed me.  Remember my ‘Beauty’ blog about seeing things with spiritual eyes? This was the start of me learning how to do just that.

Susie called me several times a day for over a week. She’s the best mother hen to have in your corner when you are in the fetal position and don’t understand a dang thing about anything. She calmed me, time and time again, with her spiritual and reassuring maternal voice. I think back to the kindness she showed me when I was so helpless and it brings tears to my eyes.

She kept telling me Trinity and I had unfinished business. Her spiritual words resonated with me and I think Trinity had felt it too as he had kept repeating, “I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know if this is right” when he was dumping me. I held tight to both of their words.

Both my nieces were ready to kill Trinity. They had very harsh words to say about him and I had to tell them it wasn’t helpful, nor did I want to hear it. I told them it was OK for Trinity to try and finish loose ends and he was doing what he felt was right. He hadn’t kept me hanging on and he hadn’t been unfaithful. He was doing what he needed to do in order to better himself. To hear him, the man I loved, belittled and called names did not sit well with me. I get it though, someone hurts someone you love, all you can think to do is trash talk them but it’s not helpful. At least it wasn’t for me.

What Susie did for me spiritually, Charmaine did for me emotionally and physically. She took me under her wing and kept me very busy on weekends. We would have great talks, long walks and even though I was adamant Trinity would return to me, she gently encouraged me to keep my options open.

While I was trying to heal, I would hear snippets of what Trinity was doing. Through the grapevine I was told he left me for the ex-girlfriend who had called him the night I was painting. Now, if that doesn’t drive a knife right through a woman’s heart, I don’t know what would. Interestingly enough, he later told me she wasn’t interested in a relationship. Karma, baby. Karma.

Then I heard he had sold his West Fargo home and moved to Mankato to be with a gal. That almost wrecked me. I kept wondering when he was going to come back to me and it felt like I was being silly holding on to that dream. Plus, I was angry that he seemed to be over me so quickly when I was sure he knew I was his One.

Then the Universe stepped in. I started seeing the number “3” everywhere. I’d hear songs on the radio and I knew they were messages from my Guys.  I even had a few random encounters where I would see Trinity but he didn’t see me. Once he was riding his motorcycle and I passed him. When I recognized him, I had to pull over as my leg was shaking so badly I couldn’t press the gas pedal. Who’s with me on that?! Hum on!

After that, I had a complete crying breakdown. I said, “What is he doing?! I can’t wait much longer, God. I am SO lonely. I’ve learned what I needed to learn. What is he DOING?! WHY hasn’t he called?!” Then to the astral version of Trinity I said, “Hurry up and learn what you need to learn, Trinity. Hurry up!”

News reached me that Trinity was no longer with the Mankato gal and he had moved back to Fargo. (Come ON, Trinity…HURRY UP!!!) It was also about that time Charmaine mentioned ideas as to how I could meet men. What she was suggesting, while considered the norm these days, held no interest for me. I didn’t want to do on-line dating or go on blind dates. It just didn’t feel right and in truth, it didn’t feel necessary.

Finally, one evening during Grey’s Anatomy (back when Grey’s was goooooood), my phone rang. I answered and heard, “Hello, Melissa.” Without waiting for him to identify himself I said, “Hello Trinity” and he replied, “Can we talk?”

As a smile split my face, my eyes looked toward the ceiling and a huge wave of gratitude and relief rolled through me. Tears formed in my eyes and I mouthed a silent, ‘Thank you, THANK YOU!!’ to God. To Trinity I giggled and said, “Sure! What TOOK you so long?!”

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“Why did this happen?” or “Why isn’t this happening?!” When I’m asked these type of questions, they are always referring to things of a physical nature. When these types of questions are posed, I often don’t hear an answer from the Guys. Now, if I was asked, “What am I supposed to learn from this, spiritually?” or “Have I learned what I needed to learn?” You will most often get an answer.

You see, us humans are used to looking at things in a physical way. We don’t often use our spiritual eyes to see why something may or may not have happened.  The Guys aren’t typically concerned with the physical as their ‘job’ is to help you with your spiritual growth. Most of the time they are not interested in discussing why something did or didn’t happen on the physical plane because what happened on the spiritual realm trumps it. 

I try not to use my intuitive gifts unless I’m asked to do so, but sometimes these gifts are so much a part of me that it happens without me even knowing it. Sometimes they are so intrinsically woven into the fabric of who I am, I can’t tell what my thoughts are from those that are divinely inspired.

A case in point is this: I was talking with my oldest niece (and closest twin-in-a-past-life bestie). She’s dealing with the death of a two year relationship. She’s trying to heal from the heartache, the loss of a dream and the betrayal she uncovered.  While she is viewing things on the physical plane, I am able to give her a spiritual glimpse of why the physical outcome, although painful now, may have just safe guarded the life she desires.

She lives in a very small town and sees her ex beau and his (pregnant) fiancé often. I was thinking of how raw this would be for her until she heals. Then I had these thoughts:

1.    What if she was saved from a life of hurt, resentment and disgust because she refused to (this time) compromise her values and desires?

2.    What if, by holding tight to what she felt she needed in order for her to be truly happy, she ‘opted out’ of a relationship that would be filled with mistrust, unhappiness and control?

3.    What if, by doing this, she is telling the Universe that she’s a force to be reckoned with and she will not lower her standards. She will wait for The One who will inspire, fully commit and love/respect her as she has come to love/respect herself?

Interesting, huh? So now let’s look at what might have been if she had compromised her values.

1.    She may have married a man who would not have been faithful to her and could not give her what she needed.

2.    She may have found she didn’t feel loved, heard, appreciated or respected.

3.    She would have been largely responsible for taking care of his 4 rebellious children.

4.    She would have, once again, repeated the sins of her past and would have set herself up to learn a much harder lesson next time.

And as far as the new fiancé goes, maybe one of her needs in this lifetime is to deal with such issues so she can overcome and be done with them. I truly don’t know as I’m not doing this intuitively. I’m just saying for every person there are lessons to be learned in order to spiritually grow, heal and move forward.

Now that’s the stuff my Guys choose to talk about to those who will listen (not everyone does) and that’s the kind of spin or enlightenment I can bring to the table with their help. Quite different from the physical view and it feels energetically lighter, wouldn’t you agree?

There are so many things that are hidden from our physical view and I’m thankful for that. We humans can’t possibly understand why things happen or don’t happen. But, true fact, when we open our spiritual eyes and close our physical ones, a shift in perception occurs.

Beauty

When I do my Work (Intuitive Reiki), I constantly see the internal and energetic beauty of my clients. I see how kind, caring, trustworthy, loyal, trusting and forgiving they are. I don’t see them as they physically view themselves which may involve seeing a body that’s too fat, a nose that’s too big or even thighs that are too ‘dimpled.’

I once had a client sincerely ask, “I have this scar. Do you think someone could love me in spite of that?”  She was really concerned this scar would be viewed as a negative even though it was less than an inch long and on her arm.

When we view ourselves as less than (or uglier than), it literally creates a ripe breeding ground for self-abuse, self-worth and self-esteem issues to thrive. I would say 9 out of 10 of my female clients currently or have been abusive towards themselves. They may say things like, “I hate my body because I’m so fat” or “I’m embarrassed by my ugly knees” or even “My upper arms are flabby so I won’t wear short sleeves.”

This is what these beautiful women are ruminating upon. They aren’t seeing their beauty as they are focusing solely on the self-perceived negative. I’m telling you, I don’t see ANY of that. It pains my heart – sometimes to the point of physical tears and/or overwhelming anger – that these amazing, vibrantly beautiful energetic beings treat themselves so harshly and believe in their self-imposed psychological abuse.

And as if being unkind to ourselves wasn’t enough, we have strangers saying demeaning and derogatory comments about our physical uniqueness.

A client recently told me earlier in her life she had been involved in a work related accident. This accident left her needing over 50 surgeries to repair the damage to her lower legs. She’s lucky to have the use of her legs. She showed me the scars. These scars covered about half of her shins and looked as if her legs had been severely burned.

She then told me she had once been wearing shorts at a public outdoor event and some unknown ‘gentleman’ (I use that term loosely!) asked her how she could go out in public looking like that. He said he was repulsed; her legs were disgusting and gross and she should cover them up in public. If she didn’t, he was going to be sick. Yep. True story. Does it leave you feeling as horrified as it did me?

While she was telling me her story, I had placed my hands over my eyes and was shaking my head. I didn’t want to ‘see’ what was coming next. My heart ached for this woman who is aspiring to be a nurse because she has a passion to help those who are ill or in pain. This beautiful woman, who is filled with gentle, nurturing and stalwart energy and has already overcome so much, was distraught over what a callus stranger had said. She chose not to wear shorts in public again. Ever.

She may have been feeling very self-conscious prior to the unwarranted and unwanted verbal attack. She may even have even thought some of those very same things. This may be why his criticism had such a profound effect on her.

My husband had a similar situation, but he handled it differently. He was walking on a treadmill at a local gym and some unknown woman said, “Your legs are too big. They are just gross!” My husband, who is a body builder, was actually flattered by this as he WANTS big legs.  Instead of commenting unkindly about her own figure, he said, “I don’t recall asking for your opinion.”  Well boooyah!

While this incident didn’t bother him in the self-conscious way, it could have and all because of some insensitive stranger who chose to vocalize their own version of what they deem as beautiful.

I am appalled, APPALLED that there are people – fellow brothers and sisters in the human race – who feel it is acceptable to belittle and verbally abuse a person about a physical issue they don’t find aesthetically pleasing. Even worse, as was the case with my client, if the abusee believes the strangers comment holds value, they will alter their life and essentially commit themselves to a self-imposed jail sentence.

Why do we tend to focus on what we (or others) deem as ugly or disgusting? When we do this, we become a prisoner in our own mind and body. What if we stopped staring at people who were physically different than us. What if we stopped for a moment and took a spiritual look at them. If we did, we might understand this person(s) asked to be physically unique in order to overcome obstacles they and others put such a high value upon, one of them being beauty.  What if you knew they chose to physically stand out so they could empower themselves and others to see beauty. Would that change your perception?

Maybe the next time you see someone who doesn’t quite meet your definition of physical beauty, you will opt to see them with clearer (spiritual) eyes. Perhaps you will realize it’s not about their physical beauty, it’s all about the beauty that lies within.