Money

The relief I needed came in the form of a whisper just as I was falling asleep.  I’ve known for years the Ascended Beings find it easiest to communicate when we are somewhere between drowsiness and stage one of sleep. Even for me, someone who communicates with Guardian Angels all day long, it’s often easiest for them to ‘wow’ me with this type of unexpected and clear communication.

After my divorce, I lived in an apartment. It was only supposed to be temporary, a year tops. I didn’t know when I signed the lease that my banking position was going to be eliminated. I stayed in that apartment for five years. I thought about the money I was wasting by not building equity in a home but if I spent my savings on a home (mortgage), I’d be forced to return to the 8 to 5 (7 to 6?) grind.

Money is my security blanket. I’m a saver, not a spender. Money means having the freedom to do things, buy things and not having to eat ramen noodles or cheesy rice four out of seven nights (cough). So when I decided to skip returning to mainstream Corporate America, one of my – if not the only concern – was financial.

When I started Inner Focus Reiki, it truly was a leap of faith. I knew if I was to do this, I had to continue making my savings last. That meant I had to stretch a dollar even further or risk returning to something I found distasteful. But, all is not lost! I’m not Budget Betty’s daughter for nothing! (Note: “Budget Betty” was an affectionate name us kids gave our mom. She would drive across town to return a loaf of bread if it was 25 cents cheaper elsewhere. She, of course, didn’t calculate the cost of her time and gas money into returning said bread……)

When Trinity and I became serious, I was very clear that I would not return to Corporate America and that this – Reiki – was my passion and my job. He supported me and my decision whole-heartedly. When we run into financial struggles, I repeatedly offer to return to the workplace. He steadfastly and repeatedly says no. (Thank heavens!)

So all these years, ALL THESE YEARS, I have fussed about money. I feel really good about myself when I can save, not spend. And now that I’m part of a family again, there’s something inside of me that wants to feel like I’m earning my keep or doing my (financial) part. I’m almost in a tizzy over it.

When Trinity became self-employed in March, these frantic feelings intensified. I became a crazed fool trying to think of ideas and ways I could bring in more money. It was, as my friend Shannon recently lovingly pointed out, taking some of the fun out of my Work for me.  

When I first started IFR, my goal was to help take away the pain from just one person. That was it.  It wasn’t about the money or having full classes/meditations or even coming up with the next best thing.  No. Not once. It wasn’t about putting money in savings or contributing a larger portion of the financial pie. I just wanted to help people. I told myself if my savings became dangerously low, I’d have to leave IFR and find a ‘day’ job. That, obviously, hasn’t happened but as my family grew, so did my need to feel like I was financially contributing more.

So when the Guys recently whispered that Trinity would soon be bringing in enough money to take the self-imposed financial burden off of me, I was overcome with relief. I didn’t know how much pressure I’d placed upon myself until I heard those words. I thought, “Finally! I can get back to doing what I love and not worry about money!”

As I’m finishing this blog, my mind wanders to all the things I want to accomplish while  under the umbrella of my Work. It also wanders to the dishwasher we had to replace last week, to the clothes washer we replaced this week and to the Reiki 1 class I had to cancel for next week.

Sigh. Breathing. Trusting. Freaking OUT. Breathing.